How self-sufficient should we be in fitness and in sport?

This is a question I constantly revisit and pontificate over, because as a Strength and Conditioning coach and athlete I need to be able to ask and answer this! There is a slight role reversal now in that I'm essentially a full-time athlete stepping away from coaching, but you never lose the "mother hen" instinct!

I compete in two sports; Bikini-Fitness competitions and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). I prep myself for Bikini-Fitness competitions because I can. I have enough technical experience and knowledge to do so, but the process is really just a giant physical and mental experiment so you get to know yourself really well. Through it, my body and I have become best of friends! In addition I'm not attached enough to the outcome of winning or losing. The greatest advantage for me doing these shows is they serve as a platform to face my own fears, which has only proven to be a positive thing. It has taught me skills which transfer brilliantly to life, but also to performance sports.

Part of my career has evolved into me telling a story about my training journey and part of being able to tell a story is making sure I can compete! My journey has evolved into taking a full time training sabbatical leaving in August, in which I will compete in both Bikini-Fitness and BJJ in Brazil, LA, Kazakstan and Mongolia. I have poured everything into this trip, all financial reserves, emotional and every other kind of reserve has been spent. But something remarkable comes out of going "all in" - there is a clarity about what I need for success. For me, success is about living out a really rich journey full of experience; competing and performing and the lessons I learn along the way - so I have to stay 1) Injury free 2) Healthy and 3) Happy.

Having this criteria has taught me something hugely important and that is how to distinguish between
"emotional" training and "performance" training. As a very driven person, overtraining and injury has been my pitfall on so many occasions, but I don't have that luxury any more - I have to make better more skilful decision and so addressing and understanding my intent for each training session has served me extremely well, but it's also made me happier. I haven't been injured in over two years training like this and I understand how to deal with anxiety in a much healthier way, because "training" it away doesn't work.

Bodybuilding is however a very different game to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and it is here in this new sport, I face a whole lot of other challenges.
As a strength and conditioning coach, my advice evolves all the time but essentially I feel the best I can do for people is to teach them to understand their own bodies - how to be as self sufficient as they possibly can be. In essence, if I'm doing a good job I want there to be an "inverse" relationship! I want to see my athlete or client as little as possible; I want them to be able to make skilful decisions about their own training and/or competition preparation. This advice also works for me....so applying it for a new sport will be fascinating, because at the beginning of learning a skill based sport, there is a limit with how self-sufficient you can be.

Confidence and self-managing the frustrated white belt 

As a newcomer to BJJ, and very much a white belt, managing the frustrations and confidence of the beginner is a tricky area as I stated above. It has to be treated with care, as these first few weeks are intensely difficult, culminating in being smashed into the mat a thousand times, demoralised and humiliated. It is essentially just a painful war of attrition in every sense. It's unlikely to breed confidence - so there are times, especially as one of the few girls in the gym when removing yourself from a situation is actually the best solution. There are the occasional days (usually once a month)! when I choose not to spar. I have to work really hard to override the ego on this one but I know no good can come from that. I am mindful of managing my own confidence because this is hugely integral to my progress and I have to take responsibility for that, because nobody else will.

I'm curious to see how my needs evolve over this trip as I get better. At the moment I need 1) skill and 2) confidence because I'm beginner. I have a lot of strength and heart and these I can teach myself but the thing I can't teach myself is skill. I also recognise I need positive reinforcement and patience to learn technique, it creates a quantum leap of learning compared to the opposite, because it is building confidence at the same time rather than eroding it. I have found words of encouragement so powerful and nowadays I believe in giving this whenever you think or feel it because genuine heart felt words really make a different to people. It does however go against the grain of conventional British stoicism, but I believe this is archaic because encouragement trumps negative talk and silence in almost all circumstances.  Finding a situation that offers this, will be part of my challenge as well..and if I can't, I will have to rely on my own skills to manage my confidence levels in a situation that is not conducive to building them. Knowing who to go to and what to ask for is part of this process - don't ask people to give you what they can't.

I had the same situation in bodybuilding. Most of the process I realised I wanted to do on my own; but the posing routines I had to outsource, because "theory" and "reality" do not relate on this one! Learning a front double biceps from YouTube wasn't going to fly. Choosing the right person to teach this made a HUGE difference to my journey, because she was encouraging and patient and words really matter. Knowing what you can and can't do yourself is vital and when to say a person or situation doesn't work is also important. It can be difficult but also very empowering and necessary. Sometimes the shoe doesn't fit and it's not personal. Knowing when to walk away is not failure but skilful decision making and growth. It's something I have only recently learnt but owe my health and sanity to it.

The fear of judgement

The fear of judgement is a huge issue for all, but I expect particularly for women. If we flip it on it's head, it equates to that innate desire to please people or wanting approval; which is why motivation for women (from my observation), best comes from emphasising encouragement and reinforcing feelings of confidence and self-worth.

I am certainly not immune to the fear of judgement and I am my worst critic at times but I have found reframing situations with clear success criteria which is appropriate to that point in time, combined with positive, kind self talk have really helped me. And just as with any skill, this has to be practiced everyday, along with surrounding yourself with people that can remind of you of these at times when you inevitably stumble.

I was petrified doing my first Bikini Fitness Bodybuilding show. It took me nearly 12 months to mentally get ready for it. Looking back over the last six months and doing 3 shows, I can really see how the process has changed me for the better. I certainly didn't love being the centre of attention back then and I may not love it now, but I'm no longer petrified which is progress. It is amazing how one can desensitize to a situation, with a careful strategy, because what once was a challenge now feels like the warm-up.
Previously, I had quite a rigid identity about being primarily an introvert (with a little extroversion thrown in). The problem with these unyielding beliefs about oneself, is they are very limiting and in fact, competing in bodybuilding shows has taught me I can be both. I have learnt how to have a fluid existence on the introversion- extroversion spectrum and in fact this applies to all the personality traits. I can switch quite happily between the two when it is required and I feel comfortable now in a range of challenging situations. This flexibility in personality has served me well because it has opened up a whole new world for me, one which continues to push and encourage me to grow, rather than terrifying me. I understand now how to deal with pressured difficult situations and it means I can navigate (not always smoothly) rather than run or avoid. In truth, navigation sometimes involves an occasional stiff gin and a very deep breath at the end of an evening, but that's what being a human is about! Situations where one "faces" rather than "avoids" can only be successful because it creates confidence. There is that moment, where you amaze yourself... reflect and usually use some sort of verbal profanity, which translated goes along the lines of "how the hell did I do that?"


My Bikini bodybuilding experience was a mentally positive one because I chose a very nurturing mental strategy. The conventional approach which I initially tried was extremely corrosive and thus very short lived. It did however instigate the evolution of "inside-out" training, which is first and foremost about treating the body kindly with nutrition and exercise, with the actual physical presence a secondary consideration.  Getting on stage for me for the first time was about having a chance to celebrate the work I had done, which in my case was more mental. I had to overcome a lot of fears to step on stage half naked in front of hundreds of people. Amongst the multitude of fears was the fear of perfection, fear of being the centre of attention, fear of judgement, fear of performing my routine, fear of being classed as a narcissist, pretty much fear of everything. The beautiful thing about facing fears and really understanding what judges are saying is very powerful. Yes, judges are judging but they are not questioning a competitors "worth",  they are simply trying to decide who best fits into a chosen set of criteria for a certain federation. For Bikini (Toned-Figure for NABBA) this is even more subjective than some of the more muscular categories because overall presence and package is rated highly so in some respects it's mentally a much harder category because there is so much out of your control.

Understanding the system of how people judge and why, is a useful skill to have because it means you can detach from taking things personally. And actually this has helped me deal with judgement in  the real world. The skills are beautifully transferrable. Working on self-worth is vital to this process as it means you can stand firmly and comfortable in your skin at almost all times.  For me this came as a consequence of taking good care of my body, physically and mentally. This is the beauty of inside-out training. You tend to feel really great when you eat well, rest well and listen to your body. I think a person that is fit, healthy and happy is always beautiful, whatever shape or form that takes because it's one of the highest expressions of self-worth.

There have been times when I have had to make the body the primary focus the week before a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament or Bikini competition and I have to say I don't enjoy it one little bit. Because I emphasise health, my body will tolerate being pushed beyond what it's happy to do but I am very strict about doing this for the absolute minimum of time I have to.

Fear of judgement is a huge factor in why women don't participate in sport and this is a shame, as sport has been my tool for creating a really healthy happy life. It has helped build confidence and resilience in all manner of ways. At the core root of most people's belief system is one of wanting to be the best you can be and so any action out of alignment with this usually creates mental and physical chaos. Treating your body and mind kindly, with respect is a big step in creating confidence and this is one of the best weapons against fear of judgement. The judgement won't stop, it's human nature and perhaps even necessary, but we can certainly build resilience with how we deal with it.

The eye of the beholder

On stage (white bikini) trying to figure out what a rear double biceps is!

On stage (left)- laughing as usual, attempting something like a "side tricep"!

This last weekend passing was spent yet again covered in fake tan, commuting up and down the M1 for the NABBA British Finals. This was to be my third bodybuilding show in six months. Quite how I qualified for this is unbeknownst to me, as I follow the most "upside-down" "inside-out" approach to bodybuilding, which defies any kind of convention. I compete and train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) and this recent competition prep consisted of a single morning cardio session followed by 20 mins of weight training and an evening sparring session spent rolling around a mat with boys twice my size. Because I had competed at the BJJ British Open two weeks before this show, I didn't diet because I needed to perform for this tournament. In my experience, harsh dieting and dehydration is not compatible with motivation or performing - it also erodes my will to live!

The challenge of training for two sports of opposing nature is 1) to get "stage" ready and 2) to be able to recover and perform for BJJ. A conventional approach was never going to work because this is usually accompanied by decreasing strength and performance, something I wasn't prepared to go through. 

The key here was selection of a category within Bodybuilding that allows me to remain healthy, so I chose Bikini-Fitness (or Toned Figure as NABBA call it); the smallest category with more of an emphasis on total package and femininity, even though I probably don't fit into this. My reasons for coming to bodybuilding was as a personal experiment; to flip a typically narcissistic sport in nature on it's head, and to learn to create and enjoy a positive journey... and so I have come to love the sport for everything it has taught me about my own relationship with my body and understanding winning and losing in a subjective sport. This in itself has huge transferable lessons for competing in a performance sport. I also love the polarity of the two sports; the masculinity and physicality of BJJ and the femininity and theatrics of a bikini show. I still have yet to learn the art of applying false eyelashes, where even with the help of a friend - I managed to get half the lashes and half of the glue on the eyeball rather than eyelid. The outcome of my transformation was looking like a glazed "wotsit" with hedgehogs attached to my eye. 

Not far off the reality!

The important questions to ask

The question that I have tried and am still trying to ask and answer is; how does one survive and thrive in a category and a sport that is very subjective in nature? Really the underlining  issue here is "thriving" over "surviving".  The answer I believe is being very very clear about your own personal definition of success. This success criteria will also change for every competition but it's a very useful skill to have; to be able to pull apart what that would mean for you on any given day. 

For this particular competition; my success criteria was:

1) To train hard but in a compassionate and kind manner; one that I call "inside-out" training. BJJ is the ultimate in inside-out training as the emphasis is "mind first/body second". 

2) To have a nurturing and kind nutrition plan in place; in this particular case the plan was NOT dieting! I wanted to be able to get back to BJJ training relatively soon after the show with little detriment to my mind and body, as I have another tournament in 6 weeks time. 

3) To enjoy the day - to embrace the theatrics of bejewelled bikini's, friendship and freestyling a dance routine...and that I certainly did! Every girl needs a little "diva" moment. It wasn't pretty, but it was fun. 


It is this latter point about enjoyment which feels important because by the time show day has come, the work is done - it's time to hand it over because there is so much beyond one's control. The questions of whether you fit into a category or the judges like your "look" or physique is really somewhat out of your hands. The other ladies on stage are not my enemies, but women that equally deserve to be there in every sense, regardless of shape and all credit to them! Everybody there has their own story and challenges and I take my hat off and a huge hug to anyone there; because it is a hard journey. 

Lessons from Losing

I didn't place in this show, but it could not have been more of a success. I have a choice with how I deal with the judges decision; I could make endless excuses about not having fake breasts etc but it's all irrelevant. I felt in the best condition I have to date in all my shows, I had fun on the day, shared my experience with a great friend, laughed at every opportunity, similarly I got laughed at in the M1 services for looking like I had rolled in creosote and I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have done because I finally understand self worth - not measuring yourself against another woman and standing strong, calm and self confident; which aligns beautifully with Christopher McDougall's definition of what a "hero" is (Author of Born to Run and Natural Born Heroes) - someone that is skilled, strong and compassionate. These lessons you can't read about, they can't be intellectualised, they have to be practiced again and again and so...thank-you to bodybuilding, to winning and losing and for experiencing the full spectrum of success and failure and for the person I am becoming through it. My happiness ties in intrinsically with detaching from this idea of needing to be validated by medals. I'm happy when my body is strong and healthy and I'm doing what I love, but we need to go through the infinite possibilities of winning and losing and the emotions attached to this, to understand our own unique path. I would say the battle of pushing ones boundaries is always worth it.