The eye of the beholder

On stage (white bikini) trying to figure out what a rear double biceps is!

On stage (left)- laughing as usual, attempting something like a "side tricep"!

This last weekend passing was spent yet again covered in fake tan, commuting up and down the M1 for the NABBA British Finals. This was to be my third bodybuilding show in six months. Quite how I qualified for this is unbeknownst to me, as I follow the most "upside-down" "inside-out" approach to bodybuilding, which defies any kind of convention. I compete and train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) and this recent competition prep consisted of a single morning cardio session followed by 20 mins of weight training and an evening sparring session spent rolling around a mat with boys twice my size. Because I had competed at the BJJ British Open two weeks before this show, I didn't diet because I needed to perform for this tournament. In my experience, harsh dieting and dehydration is not compatible with motivation or performing - it also erodes my will to live!

The challenge of training for two sports of opposing nature is 1) to get "stage" ready and 2) to be able to recover and perform for BJJ. A conventional approach was never going to work because this is usually accompanied by decreasing strength and performance, something I wasn't prepared to go through. 

The key here was selection of a category within Bodybuilding that allows me to remain healthy, so I chose Bikini-Fitness (or Toned Figure as NABBA call it); the smallest category with more of an emphasis on total package and femininity, even though I probably don't fit into this. My reasons for coming to bodybuilding was as a personal experiment; to flip a typically narcissistic sport in nature on it's head, and to learn to create and enjoy a positive journey... and so I have come to love the sport for everything it has taught me about my own relationship with my body and understanding winning and losing in a subjective sport. This in itself has huge transferable lessons for competing in a performance sport. I also love the polarity of the two sports; the masculinity and physicality of BJJ and the femininity and theatrics of a bikini show. I still have yet to learn the art of applying false eyelashes, where even with the help of a friend - I managed to get half the lashes and half of the glue on the eyeball rather than eyelid. The outcome of my transformation was looking like a glazed "wotsit" with hedgehogs attached to my eye. 

Not far off the reality!

The important questions to ask

The question that I have tried and am still trying to ask and answer is; how does one survive and thrive in a category and a sport that is very subjective in nature? Really the underlining  issue here is "thriving" over "surviving".  The answer I believe is being very very clear about your own personal definition of success. This success criteria will also change for every competition but it's a very useful skill to have; to be able to pull apart what that would mean for you on any given day. 

For this particular competition; my success criteria was:

1) To train hard but in a compassionate and kind manner; one that I call "inside-out" training. BJJ is the ultimate in inside-out training as the emphasis is "mind first/body second". 

2) To have a nurturing and kind nutrition plan in place; in this particular case the plan was NOT dieting! I wanted to be able to get back to BJJ training relatively soon after the show with little detriment to my mind and body, as I have another tournament in 6 weeks time. 

3) To enjoy the day - to embrace the theatrics of bejewelled bikini's, friendship and freestyling a dance routine...and that I certainly did! Every girl needs a little "diva" moment. It wasn't pretty, but it was fun. 


It is this latter point about enjoyment which feels important because by the time show day has come, the work is done - it's time to hand it over because there is so much beyond one's control. The questions of whether you fit into a category or the judges like your "look" or physique is really somewhat out of your hands. The other ladies on stage are not my enemies, but women that equally deserve to be there in every sense, regardless of shape and all credit to them! Everybody there has their own story and challenges and I take my hat off and a huge hug to anyone there; because it is a hard journey. 

Lessons from Losing

I didn't place in this show, but it could not have been more of a success. I have a choice with how I deal with the judges decision; I could make endless excuses about not having fake breasts etc but it's all irrelevant. I felt in the best condition I have to date in all my shows, I had fun on the day, shared my experience with a great friend, laughed at every opportunity, similarly I got laughed at in the M1 services for looking like I had rolled in creosote and I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have done because I finally understand self worth - not measuring yourself against another woman and standing strong, calm and self confident; which aligns beautifully with Christopher McDougall's definition of what a "hero" is (Author of Born to Run and Natural Born Heroes) - someone that is skilled, strong and compassionate. These lessons you can't read about, they can't be intellectualised, they have to be practiced again and again and so...thank-you to bodybuilding, to winning and losing and for experiencing the full spectrum of success and failure and for the person I am becoming through it. My happiness ties in intrinsically with detaching from this idea of needing to be validated by medals. I'm happy when my body is strong and healthy and I'm doing what I love, but we need to go through the infinite possibilities of winning and losing and the emotions attached to this, to understand our own unique path. I would say the battle of pushing ones boundaries is always worth it.