Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu meets bodybuilding - a beginners mind

I'm back here again in Thailand training for my bodybuilding (figure) competition at the end of April and I decided to shake things up a little with some training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu  (BJJ) and No-Gi. I originally did this for some core training but there is a whole other element of training like this which is surprisingly pleasing. It is another sport where I can express authenticity and I think to shrink our identities sometimes is a dangerously limiting road to go down. It was also a welcome positive distraction from mounting feelings of overwhelm about stepping on stage in a bejewelled bikini smaller than my thumb nail. 

Unsurprisingly, my "all or nothing" personality took to this challenge like a bull to a red flag and within one week of training I've entered a Tournament in Bangkok for the following week. 
I'm not a beginner to martial arts, but to BJJ absolutely yes. I have strength but no skill - which isn't a combination which works against anyone with any competence. Training in a fighters gym, there are not many with no competence. So, although this may sound absolutely crazy on all fronts being so close to my bodybuilding competition, there is in fact logic to the madness because I wanted to try and address the following questions? 

1.  I train in a very intuitive mind-body way which is about making "hard things fun" through mindset changes, because it creates motivation and focus. Can I apply this to a very challenging situation; one that puts me far far out of my comfort zone. Can I manage the stress, so this is a truly fun, positive and enjoyable experience? Can I overcome my own fear of uncertainty?
2. What effect does two weeks of pre competition BJJ training have on my physique and physiology?
3.  Is there value to integrating competition really early on in learning a sport, so you learn how to compete - and by this I mean how to win and lose with grace and humility so it is an experience that ultimately builds character and is motivating. I can't help thinking delaying competition builds up expectations, pressure and takes away the ease and fun of a sport. Is there value in doing the two side by side? Thai kids will take fights very early on in their careers and I wonder if there is some learning in that. Learning to win and lose is a vital skill living in a society where fear of failure is rife. You can't shelter oneself from failure, it's a prerequisite of success and living a full life, so isn't the best way to deal with it, to learn and grow from it? 

I have been training for 10 days and trying to integrate this with a full-on schedule of pre-competition bodybuilding training and dieting in 35C heat, so it's not a masterpiece of efficiency and something that I will have to review. 

With a week to the tournament, twice daily 90min sessions of BJJ in this heat will be enough training for me. Being a beginner of any new sport is not an efficient use of ones energy anyway and it's really important to be mindful of that. It's taxing on all systems; physical, mental and emotional. Because I rely on strength so much as my only survival skill, I get a very good strength session both dynamic and isometric. It does however kind of defeat the point of this project a little which is to learn to be comfortable in uncertainty and to embrace learning of new skills; to cultivate a beginners mind, which requires leaving the ego at the door. This gives me a renewed compassion of new comers to weight training and I'm glad of this reminder, because we were all beginners at some point and sometimes the encouragement of a coach or friend was the thing that helped us gain enough momentum to stay the course. I'm very grateful to those that have been so patient with me. 

Abandoning my ego is a lot harder than I thought. I want to use strength, because that's pretty much the only thing I have. I think I can just about execute one move on a partner if they promise to just lie there like a dummy and don't move. The excitement of doing something new which feels very authentic and natural to me is also teamed with immense amounts of frustration, fatigue, expectation, confusion and every other emotion under the sun. 

I've spent a year building up confidence and competence in weight training gyms of all sorts and now the slow dismantling of ego begins; so this is a very interesting project for practicing what I believe in - how to  "make hard things fun" and applying this "inside-out" approach. This experience could be immensely positive or it could be immensely corrosive depending on what route I choose. It is the perfect opportunity for practicing being gentle on yourself to be really strong. I have to admit I failed miserably at this yesterday; the session culminating in me flailing and swimming around in my own sweat like a beached whale for about 2 hours, being face planted and arm locked by men twice my size. I did however manage to make something quite easy look immensely difficult and that I think is a skill in itself. However, like all things that go terribly wrong - refuelling and a good night sleep do wonders for resetting the button on mindset and so I'm writing this just before my first morning session but with a slight change to strategy and this is as follows:

• Getting huge amounts of rest, staying calm, practicing mindfulness and meditation so I am in a good position to absorb and retain information. There is no room for frustration. 
• Having appropriate expectation for how much I can learn in a very short amount of time.
• Laughing.....a lot, perhaps not in class but certainly afterwards.

I continue to learn huge lessons everyday I do this; maybe I will stop after the tournament and maybe I won't - that is part of the journey.  I have been helped and encouraged immensely by sparring partners who have been patient beyond what is reasonable. This extreme of kindness and clinical destruction are an example of the many attributes martial arts trains and this is part of the many things I love about it. The lessons it teaches us about the spirit of competition, ourselves, others and life are hugely powerful, something I really hope I can help give back to those on their own fitness and life journeys. 

The power of the journal - A way into freedom and the authentic self.

I read a nice quote by Mark Twain the other day "The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find our why".


This resonated with me because I feel lucky enough that I am on my path to finding the latter and albeit one of zigzags and curves, it is a hugely fulfilling journey; one filled with passion, joy, motivation and of course challenge, emotional and physical growth (and the occasional whisky)! For me, finding my purpose in life started to manifest the moment I put my attention to becoming authentic. Allowing myself to find a way to work with and be at ease with the many aspects of my personality which contradict each other. People are in truth many things, at many times - we all are. I am primarily an introvert but also an extrovert when required!  A hard science academic but also a spiritual enthusiast. The list of contradictions goes on and on and I also find new ones as I evolve as a person. It is something that always confused and troubled me. I wanted to do both arts and science at school; but of the course the expectation 20 years ago was to choose one or the other. I chose science and maths, and that became my path through life; denying many things that I am because I couldn't explain the co-existence.


The crux point of becoming a more authentic person was actually finding an integrative holistic therapist (bodytherapeutics.co.uk) who was accepting and allowed me to be me in all my eccentric, non conventional, weird ways. He asked the right questions, listened and gave me the space to figure out what that was. And then...applying it to the real world i.e action! The suggestion was "Just try, being you and really being you?" What's the worst that will happen? You may lose friends but you may gain great ones.


I was scared to try this at first, to see the reaction on people's faces when I explain how I train, because my real interest in fitness and weight training is about mindfulness and experimenting with a system that rewires negative beliefs, making hard things fun. My task at present is about taking a conventionally brutal narcissistic sport (bodybuilding) and using a gentle approach to make it enjoyable and to create self worth along the way rather than punishment. It works and it works very well. To my surprise, not everybody spat in my face or laughed or made fun or walked away (some did!). I certainly don't preach this but I'm confident now in giving an authentic answer when asked about how I train and what program I use (one based on the placebo effect mainly). Most the time, people are interested and it has worked very well for those wanting to try a different approach. I have never really had a true understanding of all that I was and neither the courage to try to convey that, but to be able to speak your truth is a wonderful feeling. The more I practised communicating, the better I became at conveying that message and the more ways I can say it. I also know who not to share this with. I have attracted a better group of friends, well actually one friend but she is a great one and I would have her by my side over 10,000 acquaintances, because she has faith in me on days I lose mine.

My message is this - being authentic is necessary because it is an expression of your highest self and this can go a long way to creating freedom, happiness and inspired thought for how you want to share that.

I believe "how" you do something is important and how you go about training for a challenge, or for performance/results based sport is important. There are infinite ways to do this - some ways are corrosive and other ways build you up. Doing something in a way that is positive also prevents the inevitable depression and the "dark night of the soul" after completing a challenge. I have found being kind and encouraging to oneself, especially when you are naturally wired to be harsh, has a very powerful effect of creating relentless focus and flow, which in turn creates a better and more efficient training session. The effects are two-fold: better results and a more positive mind set.

How do you go about being more authentic?

One of the greatest resources I found for this was keeping a journal inspired by the book "The Artists Way" by Julia Cameron. The task was to write three honest pages of thought (on anything) every day and I did this for 60 days without fail, to build habit. Some days this was absolute gibberish and I occasionally have looked over past journals and cringe at my state of mind and some of the things I have written (or not written) hence the doodles of unicorns and Rainbow Brite. I also left one on Eva Air, so whoever reads that...it could rival Stephen King. But....writing honest thought is excellent for creating awareness, identifying and consolidating thought and drawing attention to what your values are. Mostly you can identify this through becoming aware of things that create either good or bad feelings. Knowing your core values in life is a really good skill set to have. I have found mostly when you're living a life not in alignment with these, problems happen. I'm lucky enough to know these are things like: freedom, learning, laughter, exploration (internal and external), challenges, teaching - I also know I can't compromise on this because they make me happy, without which I am no use to anybody. Taking responsibility for your own happiness is necessary, the upside to which nobody has the power to take that from you. It's part of building a robust self replenishing system and that is just necessary for living a blessed and a full life.

What is your belief about weight loss?

Our unconscious belief system is integral to the success of our goals, as it forms the sturdy foundation upon which everything else is built. In terms of fitness goals, training and dieting are really just the icing on the cake. Here's the thing; "will power" can only take you so far, so without a strong positive healthy belief system, it's going to be really hard work, not that much fun and possibly not very successful. This I know, from years of trying it - I'm fairly certain I've earned my 10,000 hours in the mastery of struggle.

Beliefs are the foundation of the placebo effect

Beliefs are essentially the placebo effect or conversely the "nocebo" effect and this is getting an increasing amount of attention in all area's of science - because it works, even though we don't really understand how.  It can be separated into (1) individual beliefs and (2) common belief systems held by groups of people. The latter of which forms the basis of our conditioning from when we are young; the things our teachers, parents and peers taught us. The problem with how we are conditioned is these things are often subjective and not reality. At one point in time we thought the world was flat, so even textbook science taught at school and central dogma changes over time. I think this is illustrated beautifully by the Richard Feynman's (Nobel prize winner) quote "science is the belief in the ignorance of experts" i.e even specialist scientists just don't know!

My issue with common beliefs and conventional thinking are they can act like the opposite of the placebo setting up a self fulfilling prophecy; one of the great examples of which is weight loss. 

Unconscious belief is different to just telling oneself positive words

I have to adopt the role of a generalist here, because there are always exceptions to every rule but most people's belief about weight loss is it is about deprivation, forbidden foods and having an iron will. This indeed was my approach for many years, and low and behold it was always extremely difficult, punishing and miserable! My new approach to bodybuilding is based on making everything fun and enjoyable so I had to apply this to dieting as well. I needed to change my belief about dieting to something that was easy and enjoyable, as opposed to being about "lack" and restriction.  The critical thing here is that it's not enough just to tell yourself something with positive thought it has to be subconscious, otherwise you're just intellectualising it. There are a growing number of interesting habit changing techniques out there including hypnotherapy, emotional freedom technique (EFT) and cognitive behavioural therapy, well worth an investigation. I've used a combination of things including daily meditation to great effect. 

Ask some very honest questions and observe your current situation to assess your belief system

Changing behaviour all starts with awareness of how you see things and what you believe. I think it is a great and necessary place to start before initiating any ambitious goal and asking honest fundamental questions including understanding your level of self worth and therefore how much you feel you deserve good things and people are part of that. Often our current situation is quite a good indicator of our beliefs anyway because the evidence is all around you.  Although we like to believe our situation is not always a product of our input, I think it always is at a very subtle level. That is my belief; that we are responsible for EVERYTHING - that we create our situation.

How to apply to an extreme diet?

After realising that my historical method of dieting was not only torturous but didn't work very well, I knew I had to go back to basics and change my relationship to how I viewed weight loss. It always goes back to the same question: What is the path of least resistance?  How can I make this easy? 

There are two things which have created a quantum leap for me in terms of ease of weight loss and leaning out for competitions.

• 1. Monitoring hunger

Never allowing myself to get too hungry has been key as I have absolutely NO will power when it comes to a grumbling stomach and have even been known to raid a bin - undignified I know! It's makes me anxious, stressed and I don't sleep, initiating a whole cascade of detrimental psychological and metabolic effects. 

• 2. There is no naughty or forbidden food. 

I'm very mindful of not attaching "good" and "bad" meaning to food. There is in fact NO forbidden food for me during prep now, because I think it's an unhealthy approach. It even makes me wonder whether our attachment to the meaning of the food is just as important as the food itself i.e what would happen if I truly believe a McDonalds happy meal will contribute to weight loss? as opposed to "this meal is going to make me put on weight", which sets up a whole internal dialogue before you've even sat down to eat it. 

The consequence of an all inclusive approach is rarely do I crave anything that's not really in alignment with my weight loss goals and if I do..it gets savoured and enjoyed guilt free. I admit whole heartedly to eating literally a whole tub of ice cream on a PMS day during prep and actually it was great, I loved every minute of it!

I don't weigh my food and I don't weigh myself. I sometimes eat 7 small meals a day and sometimes 2 large meals, because I feel like it. I'm the first to admit I'm starting out on this bodybuilding journey so perhaps it will change over time but for now it works a treat. I'm seeing progress with ease; I'm much leaner going into my second show and emotionally and physiologically very healthy. My menstrual cycle is unproblematic and regular and I haven't been ill once, despite not taking a single supplement, not even protein shakes. 

My approach is very intuitive and this has to be trained through awareness and mindfulness. Conventional belief about strict dieting and bodybuilding being hard is just that...it's subjective and a belief, but it isn't mine. My journey has been hugely enjoyable and the inevitable challenges are met with a sense of peace and acceptance. Although on occasion - a stiff glass of whisky, a rant and a few tears solve a problem beautifully; because I'm human! So...I challenge you to rethink why you think certain things; is it fact or fiction? It could just change your mind and body...literally.

Mindfulness of eating

My approach to bodybuilding training is very much from the inside-out; "mind first" and "body second". My theory is mental well-being facilities a healthy body and a healthy body is far more responsive to hard training. Instead of conventional bodybuilding training which focuses on effort and struggle (something I know lots about!), I've tipped it on its head and opted for following the path of least resistance - a much gentler and kinder approach. My experience is gentle encouragement and kind words to oneself and others seems to extract far more focus in the gym, which then translates into physical results.

This method works exceptionally well, it's transformative for both mind and body. Results and habits are ingrained into all elements of life and it's sustainable long term, because it's such an enjoyable process. Of course this strategy won't work for everybody but it is amazing what happens when you follow the path of least resistance, rather than opting for the hard struggle every time.

Moving the focus away from "food" to "relationship with food" 

What about a diet that never even mentioned food?  I wanted to really see if I could apply the inside-out approach to dieting. How can we still get weight loss results but change the way we look at diets from something that emphasises limited food options, deprivation and and having an indomitable will to something far more gentle, expansive and kind?
Of course this is the question I pontificate most over and I believe it's because we ask the wrong questions. Perhaps the question is not to identify foods that are good and bad but rather focus on a person's relationship with food and eating habits. How can you get to an emotional place where you just really "want" to eat clean wholesome unprocessed food? and will this still work on a strict bodybuilding prep diet?

Being a scientist, I like to observe everything. I could probably even watch cement dry and not be bored. Over time, I have noticed that women (and men) often report they lose weight when they stop trying, pressure is removed or they just relax...and this is really interesting. Conversely I also observe more comments about failed weight loss attempts despite trying really hard. This really paves the way for hypothesises about the biology of emotion; does emotion create physical state or state create emotion? Most likely probably both happen....

The cycle of thoughts, emotions and physical state

Thoughts and emotions create changes to the neuroendocrine system as well as to the central nervous system and some evidence now to even suggest at the fundamental DNA level. Fear creates quite a different state to being in love. An example of this could be an increase in the hormone oxytocin during bonding with loved ones. Oxytocin, testosterone, cortisol; they all affect metabolism and how the body uses fuel. It is also virtually impossible at the moment to single out a hormone and attribute  a precise role or set of roles to it, because we don't really know and I'm not fan of this kind of reductionist approach to how hormones (or nutrients) work in the body. The human body is incredibly complicated; suffice to say, science will most likely always be one step behind. The nobel prize winner Richard Feynman, renowned for his contribution in quantum mechanics sums this up beautifully when he said "science is the belief in the ignorance of experts". Essentially this means, science is negativistic; we just won't ever know all the answers but we'll generate more questions. It is a method that can try and provide understanding or a reason for why things happen but ultimately there is real value in just observation without trying to understand. Personally when I'm stressed during competition prep, I don't see fat loss results no matter how hard I try. There is no fat loss, no muscle gain.... just a bleary eyed emotional mess. This is also the case for many others I have spoken to going through the same thing. For any sustained period of time, stress and fatigue tend to equal lack of results and staying calm is often accompanied by obtaining positive results with ease.

In alignment with my path of least resistance manifesto, I therefore prioritise staying calm, happy and optimistic and this comes first; always. From this state; the possibilities for progress are infinite. In actual fact, I can even get away with quite a lot on the diet which makes me wonder whether building a resilient system can buffer the effect of foods that may not have otherwise be included on a conventional prep diet plan. In my case the odd whisky and chocolate!

In this current decade of knowledge, science is really gaining momentum and developing fast. New scientific fields are being created all the time to include research on consciousness and the biology of thoughts and emotion. The placebo effect is now accepted as "real" and good quality science is now being conducted in the areas of mind-body which has huge implications for understanding health and mental well-being, rather than just understanding disease and ill health which has historically been the focus of  traditional western medicine.

My current interest area is how quantum mechanics affects biological systems, I recently came across a book called the "Edge of Life" by Jim Al-Khalili and JohnJoe McFadden, which does an excellent job of communicating that. In essence, there is some evidence to say thoughts can affect the way genes are expressed. This is interesting because it means DNA and the genetic blueprint is far less rigid than we thought over a single lifetime. Humans are incredibly adaptable to environment and I have often felt uncomfortable about the way our ancestors behaviour is used to explain our modern day behaviour. Perhaps we might be have been able to digest meat a bit better in prehistoric times but most of us would have perished within about ten minutes of being thrown back to neolithic times. I can guarantee without sat nav I would walk head first into a primordial bog and probably mistakenly self-poison myself with berries along the way.

The point I'm trying to make is although humans evolve over generations, they also evolve over a single lifetime (short-term) and our knowledge of this short-term genetic change is still completely in it's infancy. We don't know what the the limit or even the average number of human  mutations over a person's lifespan are and even really how that happens; whether it is truly spontaneous or if there is something else driving it?

Application to the real world of eating

Emphasising our lack of understanding of genetics is relevant because perhaps we can  influence emotion and physiology more than we think right down to the DNA level and that has implications for metabolism and weight management longer term.
With advancements in neuroscience, we also know that neuron circuitry in the brain is far more malleable than we thought; and repetition and learning of new skills is one way to facilitate this neuroplasticity. Although we once believed information only passes one way - from DNA into protein, it now looks plausible information can pass the other way and that emotion and physical state can affect gene regulation at this very fundamental level.

Perhaps we don't have control over the creation of spontaneous thought (I suspect we do in a round about way) but we can master what we do with those thoughts. We can chose to accept and let negative ruminating thoughts dissipate before they gather momentum (the essence of mindfulness training) or we can attach meaning to them and then go careering off a precipice of doom and depression.

Mindfulness is about cultivating awareness of eating. Really listening and understanding one's body then lends power to making good decisions about food choices. Appetite and desire change on a day to day basis and that's ok, and also necessary. Feeling confident about waxing and waning with one's diet, differentiating real hunger from emotional hunger is incredibly empowering and a really useful tool for sustainable weight loss. It is also fairly easy and just requires slowing down and paying attention to food and appetite.
It is also easy to go one step further than simply awareness and induce a positive state before eating. Although I follow no form of organised religion, I rather like the concept of saying "grace" before a meal. It cultivates a lovely peaceful state of gratitude before eating a meal and really need take no more than a minute.

The take home message

The conclusion to all this, is positivity and calm are necessary for health, happiness and weight management. Optimism and positive mental habits can be learned and furthermore we just don't know what the true effects of this can be to our long term health and physicality. We may not ever know the answers but it's sure worth a try because the alternative doesn't work that well and isn't that much fun!

The intimidation factor

This is a topic I really wanted to cover because it appears relevant to virtually everyone I speak to including men!  I have also committed every single faux pas there is: dropping weight plates on my feet (twice), tripping, falling off a treadmill, trapping myself under a barbell, breaking machines, forgetting to shave my armpits and even training in a pyjama top (best not to ask!). The number of these undignified moments is usually inversely correlated to calories consumed so I'm anticipating a whole lot more for the coming weeks.

I don't think anybody is immune to the intimidation factor no matter how experienced, but it is related to how much you care about what other people think and also how competent and confident you feel in an environment. Ultimately, the way to off set this best is to be prepared and there are a number of ways to go about this so you put yourself in a situation for success rather than setting yourself up for something unnecessarily difficult and ultimately failing.

1. Choose your gym wisely

Choosing a suitable gym is actually really important. The people, staff, equipment, the space, they all contribute to helping you stay on track with goals. These can range dramatically from female only to hard core bodybuilding gyms. I choose to train in a bodybuilding gym for two reasons; I work better in a no frills gym and I can always get access to the equipment, two things which matter a lot to me. The downside of this is I am the ONLY female in the gym which is unfortunately accompanied by the most derogatory, sexist, degrading comments. I am pleased to note that this dissipates pretty quickly or perhaps I've just stopped caring or listening! Some gyms are worse than others and I have in fact left a gym for this very reason. No woman should ever have to put up with these kinds of remarks. You can lead by example but unfortunately you can't win every battle.

2. Expect people to look

People will look at you, they'll look at what weight you're lifting but they'll also be looking at everybody else including the other men, so don't take this personally. Never assume you know what somebody is thinking as most likely you'll be wrong and therefore it's not even relevant or important. The question to ask is how are you going to deal with how it makes you feel? The best advice here is to be prepared and to know what you're going to be doing for that session, so you can get on with it without distraction. Being honest with where you're at is important to address as you can take action as to whether you need to top up on a few 1-1 sessions to master some basic movements. This can help drastically with feeling competent. 

3. Know how to use the equipment

In any new gym, there is always a bit of dilly dallying around to get familiar with different equipment. EVERYBODY feels this, no matter how experienced you are. If you don't know how to use something just ask. That is what the fitness staff are there for and they will be pleased to help you.

4. Really take some time to address realistic goals and objectives

There is no better way to fail at a task than setting unrealistic goals. It is a real confidence eroding process, can often induce overtraining and injury and is unnecessary. I believe daily short term goals should almost always be achievable. It's the culmination of achieving these daily targets and doing something well that builds confidence and I can't stress how important this attribute is for everything. It needs to be nurtured very carefully. It's also really important to be clear about why you're in the gym that day. When things get a bit tough - you need to be able to answer the question why are you there? and feel like the answer matters.

5. There is NO magic fitness program formula

Once the basic weight lifting moves have been learnt, the fitness program is next. This is something I am constantly experimenting with, because I love experimenting, but what becomes very apparent is ...there is NO magic formula. For any one goal, there are infinite possibilities in how you get there. Some are significantly harder than others! and I opt for the path of least resistance these days and the minimum effective dose! In fact, it's my standard question for any problem or dilemma at the start of the day - what is the path of least resistance for this task or situation?

It is however important to have a plan and one that fits with both your physiology and psychology. There are a number of generic plans floating around the internet which can be used as a good template but this leads onto the next point. If you are using a generic plan or even if you're using an individualised one, it's still really important to know when and how to modify it - the art of ebbing and flowing. 

6. Be flexible and open to possibility

This is slightly harder, because you have to be attuned to your body and trust it but it is so important to be able to modify or tweak a plan. This can make all the difference to progress. There are so many variables that contribute to progress; nutrition, recovery, training program, intensity, consistency, menstrual cycle...the list is endless. Knowing when to push and when to back off are two great examples; putting in an extra rest day or forgoing a rest day. Of course, you have to give a program time to work (usually about 4-8 weeks depending on fitness level) but within that, listening to your body is essential. During competition prep, the week before my period, I don't diet and I throw in a planned cheat meal.  This is very unconventional bodybuilding wisdom but I have found dieting during this time has the reverse effect, so I'd rather maintain my weight through eating a good amount of healthy clean food than struggle through calorie restriction and still end up putting on weight. 

7. When all else fails - Fake it

There is a real argument for "faking it until you make it".  Just as mind affects body, so does body affect mind. So even forcing a smile or displaying "dominant" poses affect the neuroendocrine system. The following paper is an interesting take on how adopting "power poses" for 2 mins can increase testosterone, decrease cortisol and lead to subsequent behavioural changes. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20855902 -Amy Cuddy talks really well on this and there are a number of her talks on YouTube. 

Tweaking body language to appear more confident is a good start: standing taller, basically any body position that makes you appear bigger (a dominance strategy adopted by primates and other animals).

So acting confident even though you don't feel it can still get you half way there if not the whole way. 

Wonder woman power pose: hands on hip, legs shoulder width apart

And lastly.....

8. Just do it!

How do you make hard things fun?

My love affair with bodybuilding came about as part accident and part experiment.
For the last 20 years I have been competing in some kind of sport but always with the motivation to just win, at all costs. Not always, but more often than not I achieved those things, but there was something distinctly vacuous and unfulfilling about the journey. Successful moments were often extremely fleeting and always accompanied by a tremendous emotional crash. Failure was often irredeemably corrosive to my confidence and sense of self. In truth it was a very anxious and tumultuous way to spend one's time. That feeling of it never being enough eventually makes one weary and bleary eyed.

As a scientist working in sports science and a strength and conditioning coach, I decided to embark on a giant physiological and psychological experiment working in a new sport; bodybuilding. The main aim was really to try and figure out if I could learn to enjoy the journey. I chose bodybuilding because it's not easy and it fit beautifully with my criteria for this experiment, which was:


1. To see if I could self-coach myself to be competition ready, without any performance enhancing drugs. 

2. To learn to enjoy the process

A radical shift in mindset 

Making bodybuilding prep fun, is not an easy task because you're combining training with harsh dieting over a 12-16 week period. The diet part is the tricky bit as this can substantially chip away at one's moods and mental resilience. To cut a long story short, I achieved both of the above objectives and the strangest thing happened when I made the conscious decision to train inside-out - mind first, body second; my life got so much better and so much happier. It also got me a silver medal in my first competition and I can honestly say I enjoyed every day of my prep. 

There were some very desperate hard days, both physically and emotionally, but hard can be good. There is a real difference between making something pointlessly hard and something that is hard because you need it to progress. The latter version was the majority of my hard days and so there were tears beyond what I even imagined possible for a human being, but these were met with an acceptance rather than resistance and it changed the dynamic completely. I emerged much better for it and I learned optimism amongst a whole cacophony of mental skills just through facing fear and limiting beliefs. Bodybuilding is a surprisingly good tool to do this because being exhausted is very revealing. You can't hide, it strips you to your core which is actually a great opportunity for change. 

Challenges are great, they force an evolution and growth of character but hard things can also be really fun and that was my big lesson. There is always choice about how you do any one thing, so doing something with an appreciation and joy is very different from doing it with dread, fear and begrudgement. Sometimes all you need is a fleeting moment experiencing a positive state and that is enough to know you can never go back to old ways of doing things. That is my experience with bodybuilding but it can be applied to all things. The message is the same; it is understanding how to create enjoyment and a positive mental state at any time and place..and these together fuel motivation - which is the driving force behind being able to do one's best.

The important and unimportant questions to ask? 

Knowing that one can learn optimism changes the kinds of questions we should ask about how best to tackle a task. With reference to training, these questions can be narrowed down to:

1) How do I make my training today enjoyable?

• Adjust the focus

As an example of how I did this; I started with the understanding that being creative and experimenting with designing programs is something I really enjoy. I therefore always looked forward to trialling my session, to see how effective it was. This shifts the focus from the body (the end product) to something more intrinsic. 

• Tweak intensity

Enjoyment of training is also very much linked to how well energy levels match up to training intensity and volume. When you're very tired, hard hard effort is fairly miserable. This matching of task to skill level or energy level, is the basis of the "flow" state originally proposed by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and is thought to be a real contributor to human happiness and optimum performance. Essentially, the level of work needs to be appropriate so it's not too hard, but also not too easy and it just requires being mindful of one's energy on a day to day basis and being able to tweak accordingly. 

The other bonus of enjoying one's training is it snowballs into consistency, confidence and a positive mind set, all necessary requirements for feeling prepared. 

2) What do I need or not need in my life or situation at this precise moment to support my goals?

This is an interesting one and can be quite carthatic. It's an opportunity to remove all the things or re-evaluate relationships that don't serve you any more. As a demonstration of my very "un-abominable" will, I not only had to put some chocolates in the bin but then proceeded to cover them in washing up liquid, because quite frankly I didn't think plain "binning" was enough to deter a pre-menstrual, dieting, tired female. So there we go...placing oneself in a situation for success - not entirely dignified but it works. 

Once these questions are addressed, the rest is just strategy, following through and putting one foot in front of the other. I believe answers to these questions are the bread and butter of all training program, as it creates a solid foundation. 

Sleep - the elixir of life, weight loss and performance!

My main requirement for performance and being a fairly normal human being is sleep! This is a huge one for me and without good quality sleep (and a fair number of hours of this), there simply would be no prep and no competition; come to think of it probably no friends either! Ten years ago I would have managed pretty well on 2 hours sleep a night, but absolutely not now. I'm a blithering dysfunctional mess after a couple of nights of not getting my full quota. I can survive but I certainly do no thrive. 

There are huge numbers of studies correlating sleep with motivation, mood, appetite control, performance, cognition, pain perception, the immune system. It is also something I have come to prioritise over everything else because sleep deprivation is one of the biggest enemies of fat loss. This can be for many reasons, but there is strong evidence to say lack of sleep negatively affects the balance of the appetite regulating hormones ghrelin (hunger) and leptin (feeling of fullness), so a person is more prone to feeling hungry and craving sugar with the added insult of lowering mental resilience. The net result; fighting the urge to attack a pot of ice cream is much harder. It also affects stress levels and fatigue which further exacerbates the problem. 


A person's sleep requirement varies drastically from person to person and also at different times so it's a very personal one. During prep, sleep is one of the best things to promote good recovery, mental well-being and it's cheap! There can also be a vicious cycle with dieting and sleep, whereby harsh calorie restriction can create sleep problems and this can perpetuate a negative cascade of problems related to fat loss goals. Prioritising sleep (for me) therefore comes first above everything else. The moment diet affects sleep I address this pretty quickly, upping daily calories or adding in a pre-bed snack. What I don't do is endure it!

The revelation that not everything has to be hard and actually too much struggle is a sign something is probably not right, has completely changed by life. I am a much happier person because of this and consequently success has come a lot more easily. Sometimes working less hard but in the right way is a better strategy for sport and life. 

Emotional Fitness

With the introduction of new sciences that bridge the gap between the traditional hard sciences, we see the emergence of things like "happiness" and "mindfulness" research and with these come a whole new glossary of terminology; which I then have to furiously google to understand. 

"Emotional fitness" and "anti-fragility" are two rather fanciful examples but not a bad attempt at summing up what essentially means the strength of one's character. I'd like to go one step further and suggest that being mentally robust is about having a flexible personality, as it is this which allows someone to navigate relatively seamlessly through life's little ups and downs, which in turn just makes life more enjoyable. No personality trait is a virtue (or hindrance) at all times; there is a time and a place where it works best and understanding this can prevent a significant amount of head banging - something I know lots about and it gets you nowhere except exhausted. Similarly, and most demonstrable in females, we are different women at different times of the month and understanding this, contrary to popular belief can be used to our advantage. 
Learning to be flexible is possible and actually it's easier than one may think; it just takes a bit of awareness of habitual behaviour. It could be trying a new response to a situation, argument or just doing something/anything a different way. The book "Flex" (see below) does quite a good job of the "how to" of this. 

Having competed and worked in sport and fitness practically my whole life, you get to see a lot. I've experienced a lot of success and failure, disappointment, illness, injury and the whole spectrum of emotion that goes along with that. I've also seen many other people go through it as well. Nowadays I tend to coach myself in anything I do and at the moment my chosen sport is bodybuilding. Being self-aware is a necessity of any self-coaching venture but it also allows me to better understand how to help other people. 

My thoughts as a coach and an athlete

I work as a strength and conditioning coach but I also work in sports science research. One of my interest areas is the science of motivation and I'm fast realising how building a strong flexible character is easier to create than you might think and just as necessary as physical skills in getting and staying on top of any goal. Emotional fitness is also the skill set that seems the least visible in the athletes I train. They can squat 2-3 times their body weight but have absolutely no concept of how to respond constructively to an unexpected situation or difficult decision about how best to attain their goals. This is a problem, as being able to make the right decisions and change or not change strategy in a sporting context can make or break a person (literally!). 

To be able to self motivate, make good decisions, stay positive...these are all absolutely crucial skills to creating momentum, staying injury free and navigating through a training phase. These skills are usually acquired the hard way as a consequence to life but they can also be consciously learned. The last point is a jewel of information because it means you can learn the lessons much faster and easier without having to journey to the far end of the "mood" spectrum i.e to "bottom out", whisky in hand. This therefore creates a choice with how you choose to experience life and I wish I had known that ten years ago because it just makes everything easier, more fun and angst free. 

To be able to select the aspects of your personality you choose to demonstrate at any given time is hugely empowering because it strengthens our ability for self reliance. Sometimes as coaches or friends, we get it wrong, give bad advice, don't know the best thing to say at the right time or just can't be there; it's human nature. Unfortunately I've been in the situation and I've seen people literally fall apart because they can't deal with a situation on their own when they've had to and it's completely preventable. 

As a coach, I see my role as making a person more self sufficient whatever that may entail. If I have done my job right, over time I expect to disappear more and more into the background only emerging at times of desperate need! This goes against the grain of conventional wisdom about coaching but it works and it works well. It also works in alignment with my values about sporting success and that is to encourage an athlete to become a better, happier person along the way. 

Right now I'm in the middle of bodybuilding prep and so I can experience the athlete side of the athlete-coach dynamic. It is hard; I'm very tired and my usual support system is on holiday! so it's a true test to my resilience; practice what you preach and all that! Thank goodness for the small things.. music, rest and watching Gladiator on repeat seems to work a treat! 

Motivation Book Club!

Flex - Ben Fletcher and Karen Pine and The power of Habit - Charles Duhigg