Sting like a bee and NOT floating like a butterfly

A good definition of vulnerability

This post is about humility, vulnerability and friendship - something I really wanted to share, because it is part of success but much less spoken about. People talk about failure as a whole, but less about the gritty undignified details, so I thought I will let rip and wax lyrical about this. 
A combination of training for a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament and a Figure competition in a hot humid country, teamed with life's curveballs culminated in an untimely Staph infection on my right thigh. An infection as stubborn as I am. The outcome of which was a visit to the Thai Government hospital (miscommunication to the taxi) and a minor operation on my leg with no anaesthetic. 
Now...I do love a novel experience and being operated in a hospital on your own with nobody speaking English is certainly one of those. Thai government hospital is most definitely not the same as private and this is a place you will not find many foreigners, pain relief or anaesthetics. On returning from the hospital, I then got stung by a bee and definitely didn't float like a butterfly. All this was a strong reminder of my own vulnerability and lesson on humility. 

I spent that evening scared, frustrated, in pain, lonely and bewildered, because the last time I had a Staph infection I was in hospital on IV Vancomycin for weeks. No amount of positive thought or meditation was going to change that. I did however get to watch a group of monks going through the same A&E process, which was comforting to know that even the most spiritually evolved of us struggle. 

It did make me ask the question of why is it so bad to feel bad? Should we enforce positivity when it just doesn't feel authentic or right? Self imposed negativity is never great but acceptance of sadness, grief, doubt and despair is necessary for the experience of happiness. One can be peaceful and calm in moments of catastrophe and the only difference is acceptance. It's such a powerful thing; it is also the last step in the apparent grief process (although I question those conventional steps!) so I say... why not skip straight to it, it makes life a lot easier than experiencing all the interim stages. 

I have failed many times because I have tried many things. I've therefore tested my strength but also the strength of those around me. Through adversity, I have found an iron will, great friends and unconditional unwavering love from my family. Those that walk away....let them go. Learning to be vulnerable and who to share that with is a great quality; it strengthens human connection and ultimately creates a more fulfilling life. 

Friendship

I have leant a lot about friendships recently. Some people come into your life for a day, a week or longer. Some are here to stay for good and others are not. I have had strangers show me extraordinary kindness and that was nowhere more apparent than today from a British Paramedic here who helped me clean and care for my wound; so thank-you. (https://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Divemaster-Medic/100008875246260)

I'm lucky to have two wonderful friends come into my life recently; one from the past and a new friendship. It's not the trite pseudo positive statements that motivate me but the real gritty demonstration of authenticity that inspires me. Their resilience, fortitude, fragility and courage that really reminded me of my beliefs about sportsmanship. It's for that reason I choose to continue to do my bodybuilding show in under two weeks, despite being pumped full of antibiotics. I will train with kindness and compassion to myself for the next few days, with the emphasis on recovery. It isn't about winning or losing, it's about doing your best and enjoying it. On this occasion, just showing up will be a success and I feel that is an important message to communicate. So, I shall don my smallest bejewelled bikini, a big smile, my best friend, a tan coloured bandage and enjoy every minute. After all, is this not what all this is about? - learning how to get up from being down, working hard, sharing and enjoying all that comes with it. 
Thank-you to adversity and challenge for showing me what matters and who matters.