Heart over Head - Lessons from winning

Friendship; shared experience and someone to remind me of my own definition of success

I competed in the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) British Open at the weekend, after a total of three weeks training. I won all three of my fights, took home a gold medal and title of British Champion. I was of course very pleased, but far more importantly I am learning to enjoy competition for the first time in my life and this means far more to me than any medal. 
Early competitive years were spent fixating on medals and outcome rather than the process. As a result my performance anxiety got so bad, I stopped enjoying training and competition and that is a huge shame because life and it's self imposed challenges are meant to be fun. Having fear of anything fictictious is not ideal and certainly fear of failure stopped me living my life fully; so I made a conscious decision to use the very thing that created that fear to eliminate it too, and for me that is competition. 

Understanding Failure

Although I have a strong foundation in martial arts from Thai Boxing, I am an absolute novice to BJJ. I'm therefore in no denial about my lack of skills, but I have age, strength, competition experience, a good team and coach; as it turns out this was enough to get me through the event. But more importantly, this was an experiment about learning to enjoy and so this had to take priority over outcome and this was how I wanted to define success. I'm no stranger to failure; I've lost more of my Thai Boxing fights than I've won and so I have come to understand exactly what it means. You can only test whether you have internalised an idea by experiencing it. I placed 2nd in my last Figure Bodybuilding contest and in my last BJJ tournament in Bangkok, I lost my first fight but I was incredibly proud and happy with both placements, so I know I'm on the right path. Failing, to me just means things didn't work out as expected, but there are such valuable lessons from not getting what you wanted. There is equal value in failure and success and often, more to be learnt from failure - both are absolutely necessary. To lose to a better opponent; how can that be failure? To control what your opponent does is more than beyond our control; it is an impossibility. All we can do is our best in any situation and it is a real shame to see so many people let a win or loss determine their happiness, because this way of looking at the world just makes life really hard. I have full respect to anybody that gives something a go. 

Learning to enjoy

Learning to enjoy competition was an exceptionally difficult task to learn to do because it required complete embracing of failure and a change of perspective. It was much easier to learn this in Bodybuilding because I had less attachment to it. It seemed illogical to put too much meaning to a sport which is essentially subjective in nature, but it is therefore a good sport to test the waters. 

The hard task was doing this in BJJ because there was a lot of emotional content in this from my Thai Boxing history - it really required huge conscious awareness, the breaking of old habits and trialling of new strategies and behaviours. In short, it required a lot of trust and faith in the new. Training is undoubtably hard, you will be tested physically, mentally, socially. Your confidence will be knocked, there will be pain, blood, fatigue, frustration, doubt and inadequacy....but it is a process necessary for creating a stronger, more skilled version of yourself so you just put one foot in front of the other, with respect for your own limits. The really difficult task was the day before competition and learning new ways of dealing with nerves; and these were really bad because I had chosen to go into a high level competition with minimal skill at the worst time of the female month! I went in with a new mental strategy based around the following: 

1.  Acceptance of the situation; knowing what you can change and what you can't. 
2.  Constant reminding of my own reasons for doing something and not being swayed by others opinions or definitions of success (even those of my coach), because these are personal and different for everybody. 
3.  Humour at all times!
4.  Surrendering to something greater than me - I am a scientist, but I also believe in the impossible (faith). Logical thought and faith are both crucial to getting through life and it is knowing when to call on which strategy. The scientific method is excellent at answering some questions and really terrible at answering others. Sometimes, listening to the heart over the head is the best method even when it makes no sense. Despite there being no evidence to suggest I was well prepared for this tournament, my heart wanted to do it and therefore I had to trust that. My overriding feeling about it all was; "it's going to be ok" which went against all logical thought. Indeed, it was all ok. 
5.  Asking for help

We can't do great things on our own

It is the last point about asking for help, I'd really like to elaborate on as this has made a huge difference to me. Friendship is something I have only really recently come to understand. I assumed being a strong female meant I should and could do everything on my own. I have tried this and whilst I can - it is not that easy and it's really not that much fun. Committing to the path of least resistance meant having to admit I was terrified and to ask a friend for help; so I did. The outcome of which was the most fun I have ever had pre-competition. Someone to share a road trip on the M40, navigation of the road system of Coventry, late night Saturday sauna-ing to make weight, Nando's, a hotel room (hotter than the sauna) overlooking Gala Bingo and really bad instant coffee. All of these on their own would have made me grumpy, despondent and more nervous but as it was we shared raucous inappropriate belly laughter and meaningful moments. It was also someone to remind me constantly why I was doing this and how I wanted to do it and so...the realisation that we simply can't do hard things on our own was no more apparent than now. Having people around you that can see what you can't, really helps navigate a situation. A friend to remind me to laugh and tame an unruly mind, and a good coach to tell me how to do what I wouldn't have been able to see, made my experience a different one. Also, knowing who can do what, is an important lesson because unrealistic expectations of people only disappoints. Don't ask people to do things they can not do - it helps nobody. 

In the end I enjoyed every part of the experience. My nerves were under control, I was extraordinarily calm and in control the whole way through my fights, I listened and heard all instruction and I couldn't have done this without someone reminding me of my own personal definition of success which was just purely to go out there and enjoy; to win or lose with grace because both matter. 

Only after many years do I start to understand the value of failure and I place equal merit on winning and losing. The irony is, only now am I starting to win things, when in all honestly I would be just as happy to lose, as long as I gave it my best and I enjoyed the process - that is true success. Nobody teaches us at school how to fail or what it means, yet it is a vital lesson. In the end, sport and competition are there for us to evolve, to learn the lessons that allow us to grow in character. The winning or losing in my opinion is completely irrelevant. 

Know your limits

In any situation, at any given time, we have mental and physical limits and often these are only discovered by going way over and beyond them. The nature of this blog you will realise, is about achieving our own definition of impossible and overcoming limits, but only by accepting can we go beyond them. The question therefore becomes about the "how". How do you tackle limits? Do you barge through them or knock gently at the periphery? 

I made a commitment to myself two weeks ago to compete in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament (BJJ) and to go through the training process as intensely as possible. I'm nearly at the end of the training period but I'm dangerously teetering on the edge of overtraining. My back is going into spasm after some serious torsion through my spine, my menstrual cycle is all over the place and I'm exhausted. I'm the only girl in my training group and a beginner; but more importantly I'm human and I like being human. Being vulnerable and embracing the more fragile qualities of being a human have made my life infinitely better. I share more, I cry more, I laugh more and I love more. 
My challenge is having to learn how to navigate a really tough sport but stay true to my values and so far as I wrote last week, I have failed. I have got wrapped up in my own ego and other's ego's and have denied listening to my body in every sense. I'm physically strong; I can therefore match most men my size on strength. It does however come with a price, because training partners fight you, rather than spar with you, so there are no easy days, ever. 

Part of my training ethos is I like to work and train with my menstrual cycle. I get great results from this as it really optimises the body and makes progress much easier. The last week of my cycle I like to train very light, take extra rest and don't diet, but I haven't had the luxury of being able to reduce training load in a group environment and I'm paying the price for it - heavily. As a consequence in a very short space of time, I am banging at the doors of my own physical and mental limits. I have celebrated this knowledge with an unplanned rest day and a little stiff talking to, with how I proceed. I can accept and honour where I am in alignment with my "inside-out" training approach, or continue to thrash through the whispers of overreaching into full blown overtraining and injury. When I write the options down, of course there isn't an option, yet it is much harder doing the right thing because my ego is ferociously and extraordinarily robust. 
But this blog is about well-being, health and ultimately making decisions that enable us to be happier and stronger characters, because in the end what matters is the person we become. I therefore feel I have a duty of care to explore the more holistic options for making the impossible possible, because the alternative just isn't an option for me anymore. 

What I have realised throughout my life training in different disciplines is nobody is going to tell you not to train, or tell you you're doing a good job. People love to offer advice but that does not mean it is good advice or it will work for you; for that, they have to know you. What does make a difference however, are words of encouragement but it is a mistake to expect, and actually this is a great opportunity to realise I don't need permission or validation to feel good, because I am fully responsible for my physical and mental wellbeing including my happiness. Nobody can give it and nobody can take that away. 

Overtraining and not listening to my body is a tried, tested and failed method for me. It's easy to do but gets you nowhere really fast. Part of the "inside out" approach is being very clear about what constitutes success and there does seem to be a gender difference with this! Being the best I can be in any situation, regardless of my opponent is my new definition of success and part of my frustration this week has been my training has not been in alignment with that. I've allowed myself to overtrain through pure stubbornness and ego. 

Making choices that are right for me, not just physically but that are in alignment with my values really matters. It is part of standing tall as an empowered female. I choose not to break my body and mind these days, there is no value in that so it's managing to make skilful decisions in a situation that doesn't always allow it. In my particular training environment, it is clear there are not going to be any easy training days or easy sparring sessions. I'm not going to be treated as a girl and actually I'm not going to be treated as a beginner! Therefore, if I turn up for training I have to be prepared for that, and actually sometimes (as in today) the right decision is not to train, hence why I'm writing (from bed with chocolate) and feeling really good about it. 

Working with the menstrual cycle and not against it

Not honouring my menstrual cycle is a big contributor to the overtraining issue. I'm a big believer in working with the female cycle to one's advantage. If allowed, it can give us tremendous insight, creativity and spikes of limitless energy. To access this however, it also means not resisting the premenstrual urge for introspection, a few emotional turbulences and extra rest.

Since I started listening to my body about 2 years ago, I have had great energy levels, stable moods, no injuries and regular healthy periods, despite a heavy training load for bodybuilding competitions. 
Training for a BJJ tournament in an all male environment, somewhere along the line I stopped listening and trusting myself.  No surprise, my body is not very happy, illustrated by early warning signs of injury and an erratic cycle. 

As a women and having trained many women, I feel it is extremely important to work with the menstrual cycle and not against it. In truth, we are different characters mentally and physically throughout the month and that's ok - it's the nature of being a female. To dishonour or apologise is just denying what is natural. Our motivation, emotions and physical body change over the month and actually this can be used to our advantage. Premenstrual dieting I have found is usually a recipe for disaster and is a time when the body needs extra nourishment and rest. When you give the body what it needs, it will generally reward you so I've found kindness at this time of the month really lays the foundations for the rest of the month. 

There are many women that train in male dominated sports or work in a male dominated environment and being able to embrace, honour and not deny being a female is a real skill. I've come to love my cycle as it highlights many things; in fact it slaps you in the face. Mid cycle I'm physically invincible with energy that is through the roof, and pre-menstrually the polar opposite - where even washing my hair seems like a magnanimous task. It highlights any emotional or physical issues which can then be dealt with before too late and dealing with small problems early is by far easier than dealing with huge problems brought on because they were ignored. 

Planning my training and life in alignment with my menstrual cycle has completely revolutionised my life and it just makes sense. Of course, it isn't always possible with work and family commitments but it's amazing what even a few minor changes to one's schedule can make. I'm a couple of days before tournament now and I intend to get back on track by spending those resting and getting my mind back to where it belongs. I won't be dieting or dehydrating but going into it with energy and vigour, excited and appreciative of the journey. This experience has also taught me to always stay true to my values of being human and listen to my body, because nobody else will do this for me. 

Making the impossible possible

The essence of this blog is really about asking and exploring the question - How do we tackle the impossible? Of course, this is highly individual and I use this expression not in the literal sense, as in, "can I fly"? but as a metaphor for defying the odds.

The strategy for the above, I believe is making hard things fun or enjoyable, because this is the foundation of self-motivation. Willpower will only take you so far, but rarely beyond.  
I ask this question because I can't help thinking the human spirit is strong beyond comprehension and with this comes the innate desire to accomplish the inconceivable. My curiosity and desire to confront this, has been a recurrent theme my whole life which for the most part has led to catastrophic failure doing things the hard way; suggesting the hard way is not the best way. The alternative to the hard way is the easy way, or a combination of both. The easy way revolves around the path of least resistance which slightly defies  logic for huge challenge; there is however method in the madness.

The Flow state

Struggle and release, theoretically are both necessary components for learning. My default is "efforting", so putting more focus on "relaxing" restores the balance in the cycle and actually has made a huge difference to my performance and my general sense of wellness and happiness. It was this personal discovery which got me interested in the Biology of "Flow" - a term coined by the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi to describe an altered state of consciousness where attention is so focused on the task at hand that everything else goes away. There is a whole litany of lingo used to describe this, such as "being in the zone" or "runners high" and extends to everybody, not just athletes. Essentially it is an emotionless state where our perception of time disappears and physical and mental performance goes through the roof.
Although research of flow has existed for over 150 years, the last 20 years has given us increasing insight into what happens in the body and brain during flow, which seems to revolve around a complicated cascade of neurochemicals; norepinephrine, dopamine (focus), serotonin, anandamide (lateral thinking) and endorphins.

Although I haven't experienced a lot of flow, I have glimpsed it and I can attribute my best performances to being relaxed and devoid of nerves and this is often a common theme talking to other people's performance experiences. 
Brief glimpsing of it is enough to facilitate a quest on this path, because it is such an extraordinarily positive experience. This backs up the notion that "flow" is a very addictive mental state. Interviews of top rock climbers have revealed that climbing is really a facilitator of getting into this state, which is the primary motivator for these athletes, rather than the climb itself. This sheds a little light on what may be the driving force behind many athletes, including ultra-distance runners. 

From a personal and academic interest in self-motivation I'm therefore very interested in trying to consciously access flow, rather than it occurring by accident or by having to rely on competition, as it seems this state is the source code of motivation. Without delving too much into the neurochemistry of flow, there seems to be a "struggle-release" cycle associated with it. The struggle (where skill level is not sufficient for the challenge) is a necessary prerequisite of release. If surrender accompanies the struggle, frustration and fatigue can progress into a physical release; causing flooding of nitric oxide into the blood stream and flushing away of norepinephrine and cortisol. 

Steven Kotler, the director of the Flow Genome Project suggests criteria for accessing the flow state and that is 1) High consequences 2) Rich sensory environment 3) Deep embodiment. 

High consequences is an interesting idea and this is just as much about perception than any real threat. It is summed up rather nicely in Samuel Johnson's quote "nothing concentrates the mind like the knowledge that one will be hanged in the morning.". In a high consequence situation, the mind has to focus and hence why extreme sport athletes are such a good cohort to study flow, as these physical performances simply would not be possible without this intense level of focus. From a personal perspective, my achilles heel is defaulting into an over-aroused state in a competition environment i.e jacked! I have found there is no better way to relax in challenge than 1) to desensitise yourself to a challenge situation by doing more and more things that put you outside your comfort zone. The brain isn’t daunted by its endless tasks; the more you ask it to do, the more it can do. 2) Execute deep breathing to help facilitate the process. 

Competition as a tool to understand motivation

The majority of my competitive years was spent in anguish, discontent and dissatisfaction. It just wasn't something I enjoyed very much because I was terrified of failure and I wasn't experienced enough to know how to moderate performance anxiety; it always got the better of me. 
Today I'm older (not necessarily wiser) but my motivation to compete is different. It is about exploring self-motivation. I'm therefore not attached to the outcome which comes with a huge advantage, in that it has given me the courage to be very experimental with training and competition strategies; an endless source of entertainment to friends and family!

I now compete in two sports; bodybuilding (Figure) and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) and I think they complement each other beautifully. It has taken me 18 months of consistent weight training to bring my physique to where I want it to be and now I have the freedom to play around with other ways of enjoying the journey, at the same time as refining a physique. I chose BJJ, because I love martial arts and being a beginner at anything and learning is where I'm at my happiest.

My first BJJ tournament was in Bangkok after 1 week of training. Being a recovering perfectionist, I was curious to see just how much preparation you need to "survive" a high level tournament. In terms of technical mastery administered in my fight, there was none, but... I survived. Of course survival is not the goal but I was interested to see what kind of experience minimal training would have in that environment. I love to fight (perhaps that is the product of two older brothers) and it feels natural to do so (within a sport!) but in truth I was too nervous to allow any intuitive movement or skill that I had learnt to come to fruition. It would undoubtably have been more enjoyable if I had been armed with a few more tools and I had managed my state of "fight or flight" a little better!

So, I have embraced my next challenge of the BJJ British open. I still don't have much more skill but I have one tournament under my belt which takes the sting out of first competition nerves. I'm very curious to see if I can access "flow" and I'm interested to see if I can use learned mental skills; meditation, breathing and mindfulness etc to manipulate arousal levels so I can better match skill level with challenge. I have practised mindfulness in weight training over and over again but to apply this to sparring and fighting is a really different thing, because there are so many more parameters outside of one's control. 

Week 1 and Failing to Flow

I have a great coach and great training partners - they are however all men, and all heavier than I am.  I committed to twice daily training for two weeks before the tournament and it is a baptism of fire in every sense. I get dragged across the mat, arm-barred, leg-locked, sat on, suffocated...the list goes on and on. Training is mentally and physically tiring and PMS has really tested my usual stoic training composure. In truth, I haven't fared particularly well keeping calm; the red mist has come down on several occasions and ego has gotten the better of me every time! There have however been glimmers of hope in the gradual waring down process. Out of fatigue comes creativity  - you try other things when what you are doing doesn't work. 
You learn to conserve energy by surrendering to unnecessary emotions; namely frustration - this is "release". Interestingly, in moments of release come a heightened awareness of what is going on and that I believe is at least progression in the right direction. 

 BJJ legs!

Despite being hugely fun and enjoyable, with a lot of raucous belly laughter thrown in, I have failed miserably at taking conscious control over my own mastery of emotion and skill. Surrender has come about purely as a consequence of complete exhaustion! but rest and recuperation is wonderful for restoring perspective and learning. All I can say is thank goodness I can laugh at myself. 
This passing week has been a humbling experience, highlighting my complete inadequacy and lack of control but I'm hoping after a rest day to consolidate learning, next week will be different. I have zero expectation of winning my tournament, but my definition of success is simply to stay calm enough and "in the moment" to at least allow some recall of technique. From there, well...we'll see what happens - after all this is an experiment!