Heart over Head - Lessons from winning

Friendship; shared experience and someone to remind me of my own definition of success

I competed in the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) British Open at the weekend, after a total of three weeks training. I won all three of my fights, took home a gold medal and title of British Champion. I was of course very pleased, but far more importantly I am learning to enjoy competition for the first time in my life and this means far more to me than any medal. 
Early competitive years were spent fixating on medals and outcome rather than the process. As a result my performance anxiety got so bad, I stopped enjoying training and competition and that is a huge shame because life and it's self imposed challenges are meant to be fun. Having fear of anything fictictious is not ideal and certainly fear of failure stopped me living my life fully; so I made a conscious decision to use the very thing that created that fear to eliminate it too, and for me that is competition. 

Understanding Failure

Although I have a strong foundation in martial arts from Thai Boxing, I am an absolute novice to BJJ. I'm therefore in no denial about my lack of skills, but I have age, strength, competition experience, a good team and coach; as it turns out this was enough to get me through the event. But more importantly, this was an experiment about learning to enjoy and so this had to take priority over outcome and this was how I wanted to define success. I'm no stranger to failure; I've lost more of my Thai Boxing fights than I've won and so I have come to understand exactly what it means. You can only test whether you have internalised an idea by experiencing it. I placed 2nd in my last Figure Bodybuilding contest and in my last BJJ tournament in Bangkok, I lost my first fight but I was incredibly proud and happy with both placements, so I know I'm on the right path. Failing, to me just means things didn't work out as expected, but there are such valuable lessons from not getting what you wanted. There is equal value in failure and success and often, more to be learnt from failure - both are absolutely necessary. To lose to a better opponent; how can that be failure? To control what your opponent does is more than beyond our control; it is an impossibility. All we can do is our best in any situation and it is a real shame to see so many people let a win or loss determine their happiness, because this way of looking at the world just makes life really hard. I have full respect to anybody that gives something a go. 

Learning to enjoy

Learning to enjoy competition was an exceptionally difficult task to learn to do because it required complete embracing of failure and a change of perspective. It was much easier to learn this in Bodybuilding because I had less attachment to it. It seemed illogical to put too much meaning to a sport which is essentially subjective in nature, but it is therefore a good sport to test the waters. 

The hard task was doing this in BJJ because there was a lot of emotional content in this from my Thai Boxing history - it really required huge conscious awareness, the breaking of old habits and trialling of new strategies and behaviours. In short, it required a lot of trust and faith in the new. Training is undoubtably hard, you will be tested physically, mentally, socially. Your confidence will be knocked, there will be pain, blood, fatigue, frustration, doubt and inadequacy....but it is a process necessary for creating a stronger, more skilled version of yourself so you just put one foot in front of the other, with respect for your own limits. The really difficult task was the day before competition and learning new ways of dealing with nerves; and these were really bad because I had chosen to go into a high level competition with minimal skill at the worst time of the female month! I went in with a new mental strategy based around the following: 

1.  Acceptance of the situation; knowing what you can change and what you can't. 
2.  Constant reminding of my own reasons for doing something and not being swayed by others opinions or definitions of success (even those of my coach), because these are personal and different for everybody. 
3.  Humour at all times!
4.  Surrendering to something greater than me - I am a scientist, but I also believe in the impossible (faith). Logical thought and faith are both crucial to getting through life and it is knowing when to call on which strategy. The scientific method is excellent at answering some questions and really terrible at answering others. Sometimes, listening to the heart over the head is the best method even when it makes no sense. Despite there being no evidence to suggest I was well prepared for this tournament, my heart wanted to do it and therefore I had to trust that. My overriding feeling about it all was; "it's going to be ok" which went against all logical thought. Indeed, it was all ok. 
5.  Asking for help

We can't do great things on our own

It is the last point about asking for help, I'd really like to elaborate on as this has made a huge difference to me. Friendship is something I have only really recently come to understand. I assumed being a strong female meant I should and could do everything on my own. I have tried this and whilst I can - it is not that easy and it's really not that much fun. Committing to the path of least resistance meant having to admit I was terrified and to ask a friend for help; so I did. The outcome of which was the most fun I have ever had pre-competition. Someone to share a road trip on the M40, navigation of the road system of Coventry, late night Saturday sauna-ing to make weight, Nando's, a hotel room (hotter than the sauna) overlooking Gala Bingo and really bad instant coffee. All of these on their own would have made me grumpy, despondent and more nervous but as it was we shared raucous inappropriate belly laughter and meaningful moments. It was also someone to remind me constantly why I was doing this and how I wanted to do it and so...the realisation that we simply can't do hard things on our own was no more apparent than now. Having people around you that can see what you can't, really helps navigate a situation. A friend to remind me to laugh and tame an unruly mind, and a good coach to tell me how to do what I wouldn't have been able to see, made my experience a different one. Also, knowing who can do what, is an important lesson because unrealistic expectations of people only disappoints. Don't ask people to do things they can not do - it helps nobody. 

In the end I enjoyed every part of the experience. My nerves were under control, I was extraordinarily calm and in control the whole way through my fights, I listened and heard all instruction and I couldn't have done this without someone reminding me of my own personal definition of success which was just purely to go out there and enjoy; to win or lose with grace because both matter. 

Only after many years do I start to understand the value of failure and I place equal merit on winning and losing. The irony is, only now am I starting to win things, when in all honestly I would be just as happy to lose, as long as I gave it my best and I enjoyed the process - that is true success. Nobody teaches us at school how to fail or what it means, yet it is a vital lesson. In the end, sport and competition are there for us to evolve, to learn the lessons that allow us to grow in character. The winning or losing in my opinion is completely irrelevant.