The fear of judgement

The fear of judgement is a huge issue for all, but I expect particularly for women. If we flip it on it's head, it equates to that innate desire to please people or wanting approval; which is why motivation for women (from my observation), best comes from emphasising encouragement and reinforcing feelings of confidence and self-worth.

I am certainly not immune to the fear of judgement and I am my worst critic at times but I have found reframing situations with clear success criteria which is appropriate to that point in time, combined with positive, kind self talk have really helped me. And just as with any skill, this has to be practiced everyday, along with surrounding yourself with people that can remind of you of these at times when you inevitably stumble.

I was petrified doing my first Bikini Fitness Bodybuilding show. It took me nearly 12 months to mentally get ready for it. Looking back over the last six months and doing 3 shows, I can really see how the process has changed me for the better. I certainly didn't love being the centre of attention back then and I may not love it now, but I'm no longer petrified which is progress. It is amazing how one can desensitize to a situation, with a careful strategy, because what once was a challenge now feels like the warm-up.
Previously, I had quite a rigid identity about being primarily an introvert (with a little extroversion thrown in). The problem with these unyielding beliefs about oneself, is they are very limiting and in fact, competing in bodybuilding shows has taught me I can be both. I have learnt how to have a fluid existence on the introversion- extroversion spectrum and in fact this applies to all the personality traits. I can switch quite happily between the two when it is required and I feel comfortable now in a range of challenging situations. This flexibility in personality has served me well because it has opened up a whole new world for me, one which continues to push and encourage me to grow, rather than terrifying me. I understand now how to deal with pressured difficult situations and it means I can navigate (not always smoothly) rather than run or avoid. In truth, navigation sometimes involves an occasional stiff gin and a very deep breath at the end of an evening, but that's what being a human is about! Situations where one "faces" rather than "avoids" can only be successful because it creates confidence. There is that moment, where you amaze yourself... reflect and usually use some sort of verbal profanity, which translated goes along the lines of "how the hell did I do that?"


My Bikini bodybuilding experience was a mentally positive one because I chose a very nurturing mental strategy. The conventional approach which I initially tried was extremely corrosive and thus very short lived. It did however instigate the evolution of "inside-out" training, which is first and foremost about treating the body kindly with nutrition and exercise, with the actual physical presence a secondary consideration.  Getting on stage for me for the first time was about having a chance to celebrate the work I had done, which in my case was more mental. I had to overcome a lot of fears to step on stage half naked in front of hundreds of people. Amongst the multitude of fears was the fear of perfection, fear of being the centre of attention, fear of judgement, fear of performing my routine, fear of being classed as a narcissist, pretty much fear of everything. The beautiful thing about facing fears and really understanding what judges are saying is very powerful. Yes, judges are judging but they are not questioning a competitors "worth",  they are simply trying to decide who best fits into a chosen set of criteria for a certain federation. For Bikini (Toned-Figure for NABBA) this is even more subjective than some of the more muscular categories because overall presence and package is rated highly so in some respects it's mentally a much harder category because there is so much out of your control.

Understanding the system of how people judge and why, is a useful skill to have because it means you can detach from taking things personally. And actually this has helped me deal with judgement in  the real world. The skills are beautifully transferrable. Working on self-worth is vital to this process as it means you can stand firmly and comfortable in your skin at almost all times.  For me this came as a consequence of taking good care of my body, physically and mentally. This is the beauty of inside-out training. You tend to feel really great when you eat well, rest well and listen to your body. I think a person that is fit, healthy and happy is always beautiful, whatever shape or form that takes because it's one of the highest expressions of self-worth.

There have been times when I have had to make the body the primary focus the week before a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament or Bikini competition and I have to say I don't enjoy it one little bit. Because I emphasise health, my body will tolerate being pushed beyond what it's happy to do but I am very strict about doing this for the absolute minimum of time I have to.

Fear of judgement is a huge factor in why women don't participate in sport and this is a shame, as sport has been my tool for creating a really healthy happy life. It has helped build confidence and resilience in all manner of ways. At the core root of most people's belief system is one of wanting to be the best you can be and so any action out of alignment with this usually creates mental and physical chaos. Treating your body and mind kindly, with respect is a big step in creating confidence and this is one of the best weapons against fear of judgement. The judgement won't stop, it's human nature and perhaps even necessary, but we can certainly build resilience with how we deal with it.

The eye of the beholder

On stage (white bikini) trying to figure out what a rear double biceps is!

On stage (left)- laughing as usual, attempting something like a "side tricep"!

This last weekend passing was spent yet again covered in fake tan, commuting up and down the M1 for the NABBA British Finals. This was to be my third bodybuilding show in six months. Quite how I qualified for this is unbeknownst to me, as I follow the most "upside-down" "inside-out" approach to bodybuilding, which defies any kind of convention. I compete and train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) and this recent competition prep consisted of a single morning cardio session followed by 20 mins of weight training and an evening sparring session spent rolling around a mat with boys twice my size. Because I had competed at the BJJ British Open two weeks before this show, I didn't diet because I needed to perform for this tournament. In my experience, harsh dieting and dehydration is not compatible with motivation or performing - it also erodes my will to live!

The challenge of training for two sports of opposing nature is 1) to get "stage" ready and 2) to be able to recover and perform for BJJ. A conventional approach was never going to work because this is usually accompanied by decreasing strength and performance, something I wasn't prepared to go through. 

The key here was selection of a category within Bodybuilding that allows me to remain healthy, so I chose Bikini-Fitness (or Toned Figure as NABBA call it); the smallest category with more of an emphasis on total package and femininity, even though I probably don't fit into this. My reasons for coming to bodybuilding was as a personal experiment; to flip a typically narcissistic sport in nature on it's head, and to learn to create and enjoy a positive journey... and so I have come to love the sport for everything it has taught me about my own relationship with my body and understanding winning and losing in a subjective sport. This in itself has huge transferable lessons for competing in a performance sport. I also love the polarity of the two sports; the masculinity and physicality of BJJ and the femininity and theatrics of a bikini show. I still have yet to learn the art of applying false eyelashes, where even with the help of a friend - I managed to get half the lashes and half of the glue on the eyeball rather than eyelid. The outcome of my transformation was looking like a glazed "wotsit" with hedgehogs attached to my eye. 

Not far off the reality!

The important questions to ask

The question that I have tried and am still trying to ask and answer is; how does one survive and thrive in a category and a sport that is very subjective in nature? Really the underlining  issue here is "thriving" over "surviving".  The answer I believe is being very very clear about your own personal definition of success. This success criteria will also change for every competition but it's a very useful skill to have; to be able to pull apart what that would mean for you on any given day. 

For this particular competition; my success criteria was:

1) To train hard but in a compassionate and kind manner; one that I call "inside-out" training. BJJ is the ultimate in inside-out training as the emphasis is "mind first/body second". 

2) To have a nurturing and kind nutrition plan in place; in this particular case the plan was NOT dieting! I wanted to be able to get back to BJJ training relatively soon after the show with little detriment to my mind and body, as I have another tournament in 6 weeks time. 

3) To enjoy the day - to embrace the theatrics of bejewelled bikini's, friendship and freestyling a dance routine...and that I certainly did! Every girl needs a little "diva" moment. It wasn't pretty, but it was fun. 


It is this latter point about enjoyment which feels important because by the time show day has come, the work is done - it's time to hand it over because there is so much beyond one's control. The questions of whether you fit into a category or the judges like your "look" or physique is really somewhat out of your hands. The other ladies on stage are not my enemies, but women that equally deserve to be there in every sense, regardless of shape and all credit to them! Everybody there has their own story and challenges and I take my hat off and a huge hug to anyone there; because it is a hard journey. 

Lessons from Losing

I didn't place in this show, but it could not have been more of a success. I have a choice with how I deal with the judges decision; I could make endless excuses about not having fake breasts etc but it's all irrelevant. I felt in the best condition I have to date in all my shows, I had fun on the day, shared my experience with a great friend, laughed at every opportunity, similarly I got laughed at in the M1 services for looking like I had rolled in creosote and I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have done because I finally understand self worth - not measuring yourself against another woman and standing strong, calm and self confident; which aligns beautifully with Christopher McDougall's definition of what a "hero" is (Author of Born to Run and Natural Born Heroes) - someone that is skilled, strong and compassionate. These lessons you can't read about, they can't be intellectualised, they have to be practiced again and again and so...thank-you to bodybuilding, to winning and losing and for experiencing the full spectrum of success and failure and for the person I am becoming through it. My happiness ties in intrinsically with detaching from this idea of needing to be validated by medals. I'm happy when my body is strong and healthy and I'm doing what I love, but we need to go through the infinite possibilities of winning and losing and the emotions attached to this, to understand our own unique path. I would say the battle of pushing ones boundaries is always worth it. 

Heart over Head - Lessons from winning

Friendship; shared experience and someone to remind me of my own definition of success

I competed in the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) British Open at the weekend, after a total of three weeks training. I won all three of my fights, took home a gold medal and title of British Champion. I was of course very pleased, but far more importantly I am learning to enjoy competition for the first time in my life and this means far more to me than any medal. 
Early competitive years were spent fixating on medals and outcome rather than the process. As a result my performance anxiety got so bad, I stopped enjoying training and competition and that is a huge shame because life and it's self imposed challenges are meant to be fun. Having fear of anything fictictious is not ideal and certainly fear of failure stopped me living my life fully; so I made a conscious decision to use the very thing that created that fear to eliminate it too, and for me that is competition. 

Understanding Failure

Although I have a strong foundation in martial arts from Thai Boxing, I am an absolute novice to BJJ. I'm therefore in no denial about my lack of skills, but I have age, strength, competition experience, a good team and coach; as it turns out this was enough to get me through the event. But more importantly, this was an experiment about learning to enjoy and so this had to take priority over outcome and this was how I wanted to define success. I'm no stranger to failure; I've lost more of my Thai Boxing fights than I've won and so I have come to understand exactly what it means. You can only test whether you have internalised an idea by experiencing it. I placed 2nd in my last Figure Bodybuilding contest and in my last BJJ tournament in Bangkok, I lost my first fight but I was incredibly proud and happy with both placements, so I know I'm on the right path. Failing, to me just means things didn't work out as expected, but there are such valuable lessons from not getting what you wanted. There is equal value in failure and success and often, more to be learnt from failure - both are absolutely necessary. To lose to a better opponent; how can that be failure? To control what your opponent does is more than beyond our control; it is an impossibility. All we can do is our best in any situation and it is a real shame to see so many people let a win or loss determine their happiness, because this way of looking at the world just makes life really hard. I have full respect to anybody that gives something a go. 

Learning to enjoy

Learning to enjoy competition was an exceptionally difficult task to learn to do because it required complete embracing of failure and a change of perspective. It was much easier to learn this in Bodybuilding because I had less attachment to it. It seemed illogical to put too much meaning to a sport which is essentially subjective in nature, but it is therefore a good sport to test the waters. 

The hard task was doing this in BJJ because there was a lot of emotional content in this from my Thai Boxing history - it really required huge conscious awareness, the breaking of old habits and trialling of new strategies and behaviours. In short, it required a lot of trust and faith in the new. Training is undoubtably hard, you will be tested physically, mentally, socially. Your confidence will be knocked, there will be pain, blood, fatigue, frustration, doubt and inadequacy....but it is a process necessary for creating a stronger, more skilled version of yourself so you just put one foot in front of the other, with respect for your own limits. The really difficult task was the day before competition and learning new ways of dealing with nerves; and these were really bad because I had chosen to go into a high level competition with minimal skill at the worst time of the female month! I went in with a new mental strategy based around the following: 

1.  Acceptance of the situation; knowing what you can change and what you can't. 
2.  Constant reminding of my own reasons for doing something and not being swayed by others opinions or definitions of success (even those of my coach), because these are personal and different for everybody. 
3.  Humour at all times!
4.  Surrendering to something greater than me - I am a scientist, but I also believe in the impossible (faith). Logical thought and faith are both crucial to getting through life and it is knowing when to call on which strategy. The scientific method is excellent at answering some questions and really terrible at answering others. Sometimes, listening to the heart over the head is the best method even when it makes no sense. Despite there being no evidence to suggest I was well prepared for this tournament, my heart wanted to do it and therefore I had to trust that. My overriding feeling about it all was; "it's going to be ok" which went against all logical thought. Indeed, it was all ok. 
5.  Asking for help

We can't do great things on our own

It is the last point about asking for help, I'd really like to elaborate on as this has made a huge difference to me. Friendship is something I have only really recently come to understand. I assumed being a strong female meant I should and could do everything on my own. I have tried this and whilst I can - it is not that easy and it's really not that much fun. Committing to the path of least resistance meant having to admit I was terrified and to ask a friend for help; so I did. The outcome of which was the most fun I have ever had pre-competition. Someone to share a road trip on the M40, navigation of the road system of Coventry, late night Saturday sauna-ing to make weight, Nando's, a hotel room (hotter than the sauna) overlooking Gala Bingo and really bad instant coffee. All of these on their own would have made me grumpy, despondent and more nervous but as it was we shared raucous inappropriate belly laughter and meaningful moments. It was also someone to remind me constantly why I was doing this and how I wanted to do it and so...the realisation that we simply can't do hard things on our own was no more apparent than now. Having people around you that can see what you can't, really helps navigate a situation. A friend to remind me to laugh and tame an unruly mind, and a good coach to tell me how to do what I wouldn't have been able to see, made my experience a different one. Also, knowing who can do what, is an important lesson because unrealistic expectations of people only disappoints. Don't ask people to do things they can not do - it helps nobody. 

In the end I enjoyed every part of the experience. My nerves were under control, I was extraordinarily calm and in control the whole way through my fights, I listened and heard all instruction and I couldn't have done this without someone reminding me of my own personal definition of success which was just purely to go out there and enjoy; to win or lose with grace because both matter. 

Only after many years do I start to understand the value of failure and I place equal merit on winning and losing. The irony is, only now am I starting to win things, when in all honestly I would be just as happy to lose, as long as I gave it my best and I enjoyed the process - that is true success. Nobody teaches us at school how to fail or what it means, yet it is a vital lesson. In the end, sport and competition are there for us to evolve, to learn the lessons that allow us to grow in character. The winning or losing in my opinion is completely irrelevant. 

Know your limits

In any situation, at any given time, we have mental and physical limits and often these are only discovered by going way over and beyond them. The nature of this blog you will realise, is about achieving our own definition of impossible and overcoming limits, but only by accepting can we go beyond them. The question therefore becomes about the "how". How do you tackle limits? Do you barge through them or knock gently at the periphery? 

I made a commitment to myself two weeks ago to compete in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament (BJJ) and to go through the training process as intensely as possible. I'm nearly at the end of the training period but I'm dangerously teetering on the edge of overtraining. My back is going into spasm after some serious torsion through my spine, my menstrual cycle is all over the place and I'm exhausted. I'm the only girl in my training group and a beginner; but more importantly I'm human and I like being human. Being vulnerable and embracing the more fragile qualities of being a human have made my life infinitely better. I share more, I cry more, I laugh more and I love more. 
My challenge is having to learn how to navigate a really tough sport but stay true to my values and so far as I wrote last week, I have failed. I have got wrapped up in my own ego and other's ego's and have denied listening to my body in every sense. I'm physically strong; I can therefore match most men my size on strength. It does however come with a price, because training partners fight you, rather than spar with you, so there are no easy days, ever. 

Part of my training ethos is I like to work and train with my menstrual cycle. I get great results from this as it really optimises the body and makes progress much easier. The last week of my cycle I like to train very light, take extra rest and don't diet, but I haven't had the luxury of being able to reduce training load in a group environment and I'm paying the price for it - heavily. As a consequence in a very short space of time, I am banging at the doors of my own physical and mental limits. I have celebrated this knowledge with an unplanned rest day and a little stiff talking to, with how I proceed. I can accept and honour where I am in alignment with my "inside-out" training approach, or continue to thrash through the whispers of overreaching into full blown overtraining and injury. When I write the options down, of course there isn't an option, yet it is much harder doing the right thing because my ego is ferociously and extraordinarily robust. 
But this blog is about well-being, health and ultimately making decisions that enable us to be happier and stronger characters, because in the end what matters is the person we become. I therefore feel I have a duty of care to explore the more holistic options for making the impossible possible, because the alternative just isn't an option for me anymore. 

What I have realised throughout my life training in different disciplines is nobody is going to tell you not to train, or tell you you're doing a good job. People love to offer advice but that does not mean it is good advice or it will work for you; for that, they have to know you. What does make a difference however, are words of encouragement but it is a mistake to expect, and actually this is a great opportunity to realise I don't need permission or validation to feel good, because I am fully responsible for my physical and mental wellbeing including my happiness. Nobody can give it and nobody can take that away. 

Overtraining and not listening to my body is a tried, tested and failed method for me. It's easy to do but gets you nowhere really fast. Part of the "inside out" approach is being very clear about what constitutes success and there does seem to be a gender difference with this! Being the best I can be in any situation, regardless of my opponent is my new definition of success and part of my frustration this week has been my training has not been in alignment with that. I've allowed myself to overtrain through pure stubbornness and ego. 

Making choices that are right for me, not just physically but that are in alignment with my values really matters. It is part of standing tall as an empowered female. I choose not to break my body and mind these days, there is no value in that so it's managing to make skilful decisions in a situation that doesn't always allow it. In my particular training environment, it is clear there are not going to be any easy training days or easy sparring sessions. I'm not going to be treated as a girl and actually I'm not going to be treated as a beginner! Therefore, if I turn up for training I have to be prepared for that, and actually sometimes (as in today) the right decision is not to train, hence why I'm writing (from bed with chocolate) and feeling really good about it. 

Working with the menstrual cycle and not against it

Not honouring my menstrual cycle is a big contributor to the overtraining issue. I'm a big believer in working with the female cycle to one's advantage. If allowed, it can give us tremendous insight, creativity and spikes of limitless energy. To access this however, it also means not resisting the premenstrual urge for introspection, a few emotional turbulences and extra rest.

Since I started listening to my body about 2 years ago, I have had great energy levels, stable moods, no injuries and regular healthy periods, despite a heavy training load for bodybuilding competitions. 
Training for a BJJ tournament in an all male environment, somewhere along the line I stopped listening and trusting myself.  No surprise, my body is not very happy, illustrated by early warning signs of injury and an erratic cycle. 

As a women and having trained many women, I feel it is extremely important to work with the menstrual cycle and not against it. In truth, we are different characters mentally and physically throughout the month and that's ok - it's the nature of being a female. To dishonour or apologise is just denying what is natural. Our motivation, emotions and physical body change over the month and actually this can be used to our advantage. Premenstrual dieting I have found is usually a recipe for disaster and is a time when the body needs extra nourishment and rest. When you give the body what it needs, it will generally reward you so I've found kindness at this time of the month really lays the foundations for the rest of the month. 

There are many women that train in male dominated sports or work in a male dominated environment and being able to embrace, honour and not deny being a female is a real skill. I've come to love my cycle as it highlights many things; in fact it slaps you in the face. Mid cycle I'm physically invincible with energy that is through the roof, and pre-menstrually the polar opposite - where even washing my hair seems like a magnanimous task. It highlights any emotional or physical issues which can then be dealt with before too late and dealing with small problems early is by far easier than dealing with huge problems brought on because they were ignored. 

Planning my training and life in alignment with my menstrual cycle has completely revolutionised my life and it just makes sense. Of course, it isn't always possible with work and family commitments but it's amazing what even a few minor changes to one's schedule can make. I'm a couple of days before tournament now and I intend to get back on track by spending those resting and getting my mind back to where it belongs. I won't be dieting or dehydrating but going into it with energy and vigour, excited and appreciative of the journey. This experience has also taught me to always stay true to my values of being human and listen to my body, because nobody else will do this for me. 

Making the impossible possible

The essence of this blog is really about asking and exploring the question - How do we tackle the impossible? Of course, this is highly individual and I use this expression not in the literal sense, as in, "can I fly"? but as a metaphor for defying the odds.

The strategy for the above, I believe is making hard things fun or enjoyable, because this is the foundation of self-motivation. Willpower will only take you so far, but rarely beyond.  
I ask this question because I can't help thinking the human spirit is strong beyond comprehension and with this comes the innate desire to accomplish the inconceivable. My curiosity and desire to confront this, has been a recurrent theme my whole life which for the most part has led to catastrophic failure doing things the hard way; suggesting the hard way is not the best way. The alternative to the hard way is the easy way, or a combination of both. The easy way revolves around the path of least resistance which slightly defies  logic for huge challenge; there is however method in the madness.

The Flow state

Struggle and release, theoretically are both necessary components for learning. My default is "efforting", so putting more focus on "relaxing" restores the balance in the cycle and actually has made a huge difference to my performance and my general sense of wellness and happiness. It was this personal discovery which got me interested in the Biology of "Flow" - a term coined by the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi to describe an altered state of consciousness where attention is so focused on the task at hand that everything else goes away. There is a whole litany of lingo used to describe this, such as "being in the zone" or "runners high" and extends to everybody, not just athletes. Essentially it is an emotionless state where our perception of time disappears and physical and mental performance goes through the roof.
Although research of flow has existed for over 150 years, the last 20 years has given us increasing insight into what happens in the body and brain during flow, which seems to revolve around a complicated cascade of neurochemicals; norepinephrine, dopamine (focus), serotonin, anandamide (lateral thinking) and endorphins.

Although I haven't experienced a lot of flow, I have glimpsed it and I can attribute my best performances to being relaxed and devoid of nerves and this is often a common theme talking to other people's performance experiences. 
Brief glimpsing of it is enough to facilitate a quest on this path, because it is such an extraordinarily positive experience. This backs up the notion that "flow" is a very addictive mental state. Interviews of top rock climbers have revealed that climbing is really a facilitator of getting into this state, which is the primary motivator for these athletes, rather than the climb itself. This sheds a little light on what may be the driving force behind many athletes, including ultra-distance runners. 

From a personal and academic interest in self-motivation I'm therefore very interested in trying to consciously access flow, rather than it occurring by accident or by having to rely on competition, as it seems this state is the source code of motivation. Without delving too much into the neurochemistry of flow, there seems to be a "struggle-release" cycle associated with it. The struggle (where skill level is not sufficient for the challenge) is a necessary prerequisite of release. If surrender accompanies the struggle, frustration and fatigue can progress into a physical release; causing flooding of nitric oxide into the blood stream and flushing away of norepinephrine and cortisol. 

Steven Kotler, the director of the Flow Genome Project suggests criteria for accessing the flow state and that is 1) High consequences 2) Rich sensory environment 3) Deep embodiment. 

High consequences is an interesting idea and this is just as much about perception than any real threat. It is summed up rather nicely in Samuel Johnson's quote "nothing concentrates the mind like the knowledge that one will be hanged in the morning.". In a high consequence situation, the mind has to focus and hence why extreme sport athletes are such a good cohort to study flow, as these physical performances simply would not be possible without this intense level of focus. From a personal perspective, my achilles heel is defaulting into an over-aroused state in a competition environment i.e jacked! I have found there is no better way to relax in challenge than 1) to desensitise yourself to a challenge situation by doing more and more things that put you outside your comfort zone. The brain isn’t daunted by its endless tasks; the more you ask it to do, the more it can do. 2) Execute deep breathing to help facilitate the process. 

Competition as a tool to understand motivation

The majority of my competitive years was spent in anguish, discontent and dissatisfaction. It just wasn't something I enjoyed very much because I was terrified of failure and I wasn't experienced enough to know how to moderate performance anxiety; it always got the better of me. 
Today I'm older (not necessarily wiser) but my motivation to compete is different. It is about exploring self-motivation. I'm therefore not attached to the outcome which comes with a huge advantage, in that it has given me the courage to be very experimental with training and competition strategies; an endless source of entertainment to friends and family!

I now compete in two sports; bodybuilding (Figure) and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) and I think they complement each other beautifully. It has taken me 18 months of consistent weight training to bring my physique to where I want it to be and now I have the freedom to play around with other ways of enjoying the journey, at the same time as refining a physique. I chose BJJ, because I love martial arts and being a beginner at anything and learning is where I'm at my happiest.

My first BJJ tournament was in Bangkok after 1 week of training. Being a recovering perfectionist, I was curious to see just how much preparation you need to "survive" a high level tournament. In terms of technical mastery administered in my fight, there was none, but... I survived. Of course survival is not the goal but I was interested to see what kind of experience minimal training would have in that environment. I love to fight (perhaps that is the product of two older brothers) and it feels natural to do so (within a sport!) but in truth I was too nervous to allow any intuitive movement or skill that I had learnt to come to fruition. It would undoubtably have been more enjoyable if I had been armed with a few more tools and I had managed my state of "fight or flight" a little better!

So, I have embraced my next challenge of the BJJ British open. I still don't have much more skill but I have one tournament under my belt which takes the sting out of first competition nerves. I'm very curious to see if I can access "flow" and I'm interested to see if I can use learned mental skills; meditation, breathing and mindfulness etc to manipulate arousal levels so I can better match skill level with challenge. I have practised mindfulness in weight training over and over again but to apply this to sparring and fighting is a really different thing, because there are so many more parameters outside of one's control. 

Week 1 and Failing to Flow

I have a great coach and great training partners - they are however all men, and all heavier than I am.  I committed to twice daily training for two weeks before the tournament and it is a baptism of fire in every sense. I get dragged across the mat, arm-barred, leg-locked, sat on, suffocated...the list goes on and on. Training is mentally and physically tiring and PMS has really tested my usual stoic training composure. In truth, I haven't fared particularly well keeping calm; the red mist has come down on several occasions and ego has gotten the better of me every time! There have however been glimmers of hope in the gradual waring down process. Out of fatigue comes creativity  - you try other things when what you are doing doesn't work. 
You learn to conserve energy by surrendering to unnecessary emotions; namely frustration - this is "release". Interestingly, in moments of release come a heightened awareness of what is going on and that I believe is at least progression in the right direction. 

 BJJ legs!

Despite being hugely fun and enjoyable, with a lot of raucous belly laughter thrown in, I have failed miserably at taking conscious control over my own mastery of emotion and skill. Surrender has come about purely as a consequence of complete exhaustion! but rest and recuperation is wonderful for restoring perspective and learning. All I can say is thank goodness I can laugh at myself. 
This passing week has been a humbling experience, highlighting my complete inadequacy and lack of control but I'm hoping after a rest day to consolidate learning, next week will be different. I have zero expectation of winning my tournament, but my definition of success is simply to stay calm enough and "in the moment" to at least allow some recall of technique. From there, well...we'll see what happens - after all this is an experiment!

Life lessons from a Bodybuilding competition

I recently competed in my second Figure competition on 25th April and qualified for the NABBA Britain finals, so this post is really a culmination of lessons I have learnt from a less than ideal preparation and a little more experience in a sport I really know little about; the beauty of which is beginners mind where possibilities are infinite. 

I wrote last week about coming home to yourself; your authenticity and feeling good in your own skin. It's a process that has evolved over 35 years and will continue to do so but these days the deviation from this feeling is marginal compared to the dramatic "off coursing" of my earlier years. 

Ironically, a head injury from Thai boxing and a complete loss of health and identity is what I have to thank for this. The outcome of which is huge gratitude and appreciation for my body which is now fully recovered. 

I therefore came to bodybuilding (about a year ago) with a slightly different outlook on life and my body. It was an experiment in enjoying the journey; something largely missing from my formative sporting years. As with many things I do, it's usually upside down and back to front but coming to this sport and being predominantly at peace with my body has enabled me to take many different things from it. I also chose to prep myself; based on taking the path of least resistance, so my journey to the stage has been rich with experience and challenge from doing things a different way. 

Often, communicating why we love something is beyond words and perhaps that is how it should be, but I do love bodybuilding so I shall try and do it justice by explaining why. Firstly, I love weight training but most importantly my journey through it has been positive, challenging, transformative (mentally and physically) and has reinforced clarity about how I view my own body. 

I understand I have a limit on how far I can go in the sport because I choose a "gear-free rear". I also value my opinion of my body over those of the judges but I would still like to think there is a place for people like me in this sport, because my journey through it has been life changing. It has put me so far out of my physical and mental comfort zone and introduced me to some fascinating people. It is easy to get on with like minded people but eye opening and interesting trying to find common ground with those that see the world very differently. This is where the test comes in; and that is how grounded can I be surrounded by people that are very opinionated about the physique? 

This waxes and wanes depending on all sorts of things and there are days I will put a hoodie on and avoid mirrors at all costs! It is however really good mental training to stand firmly in comfort, in your own body and for this I am grateful for the sport because it has really reinstated clarity on this issue. It makes me far more uncomfortable being around people berating their bodies. I won't be naive about the existence of body dysmorphia and constant dissatisfaction in people that do this sport; fear can no doubt be a good motivator but I believe there are other and better ways to do things. 

Self-motivation is intrinsically linked to encouragement; the science of which I am interested in from an academic perspective. So, I take a much kinder and gentler approach to life and training which in turn means I can get the best from my training sessions and body. This is what I mean by "path of least resistance"; it is allowance rather than struggle. My approach is most definitely unconventional and "inside out" in all ways because it is holistic and intuitive. I meditate daily, I encourage a good relationship with ALL food (including chocolate almonds!) and don't weigh myself or my food and yet I can get great results from this. I'm healthier than I ever have been; retain a regular menstrual cycle and haven't yet experienced post competition weight rebounds.

Clarity of vision

I was fortunate to meet many inspiring ladies through my journey but my most recent acquisition was an amazing woman - to be named "wonderwoman": part boxer, part figure competitor, judge, posing coach and full time paramedic; that description really doesn't do her justice. https://www.facebook.com/emmalouise.bowen.5. We both have a love for martial arts and bodybuilding, so that creates understanding but she has the unique ability to listen and by that I mean really "listen". When someone does this, they can read between the lines, hear undertones of values and therefore give the right advice at the right time. Apart from teaching me posing and a full routine in 90 minutes flat; infused with so much humour and fun, she inspired the "ah-ha" moment right before I was about to go on stage. 

A last minute change of category, being extremely tired, covered in fake tan and having eye lashes the size of a crow on my eyelids, shook my core momentarily. A last minute phone call to wonder woman and invaluable advice of "own your body - regardless of what the judges think" coming from a judge, was actually all I needed to hear, because it aligned so nicely with my values and what I know so well. In all honesty, standing on stage and performing terrifies me a little. I can do it; I can wing it and fake confidence if I have to but there has always been undertones of terror in there. This was the first time I truly enjoyed every moment and felt completely at ease with expressing how I felt about sportsmanship and the human body, because I am passionate about that message. Mental and physical wellbeing first and foremost teamed with some compassion for others. 

The truth is I think anyone that gets to the point of being on stage deserves a monumental clap on the back. It's a huge achievement and so, in this particular sport I cannot be rivals with my competitors; because I have too much admiration - another reason I'll only be able to go so far! I'm at peace with that. The journey, friendships and lessons have been far more valuable. 

Starting any project from a place of self-worth and feeling good really makes the process fun and successful. So actually I would be so bold as to say, this is the place to start. It's not a conventional approach but having sat on the other side of this for the majority of my life I can't imagine an alternative. 

Coming home - To yourself

Six weeks has passed so quickly training in Thailand; it has been an emotional and physical journey to say the least. Bodybuilding prep for a Figure competition, a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Tournament, a hospitalised Staph infection and a few personal curveballs have created a maelstrom of emotion; good, bad and everything in between. The upside to negative emotions is they can act as guidance to get us back on the path where we feel good, so there are lessons in everything and the lessons have come thick and fast.

Probably one of my biggest lessons was about "fitting in", something I never quite managed since I can remember. Most recently I made a transition from intellectualising the idea that it's ok not to fit in, to sort of getting it, to actually really feeling and "getting" it and this has made a big difference to me. Perhaps all that was needed was feeling comfortable in my own skin, abilities and purpose.

It made me pontificate this issue of "belonging" that seems to be relevant to most people at the deeper level. Are we even meant to fit in? The reason I say this is because it is such an innate desire to belong but we are all exquisitely different and unique so this is therefore a problem, often solved with the wrong kinds of solutions.

Humans are social creatures but I believe it's the quality of socialising that is the key and that comes from meaningful connection which can only come from being authentic and genuine. Packing your life with things that don't enrich it really is just a temporary feel-good of the wrong kind. It's also an individual thing to what is meaningful and enriching to a person, but essentially... the way to recognise that is also rather simple - just do more of the things you really love. In turn, this usually puts you around people that are more positive and passionate as well.

Doing things we love and sharing that with others will make your life stronger rather than weaker.
Training out in Thailand was an amazing opportunity to be around like minded and positive people for a few weeks and I whiled away a good few hours here with complete strangers. The most fulfilling enriching conversations have always been with those that are not afraid to let rip and just be themselves and perhaps it is easier with strangers. An understanding that the interaction is fleeting is also a rather lovely cure for eroding the ego. So through this, I learnt meaningful connection can come in all forms. It's so important to have a core support system, be that family or close friends but also people in passing can sometimes do the same thing, albeit brief.

I'm home now to Spring in London, Builders Tea, M25 traffic but for now I feel extremely lucky and grateful to smell fresh cut grass and see pigeons. Being out the comfort zone is so important for expansion but being back in it is where consolidation of lessons happen; you need the both. Perhaps you have to go away to come back again; physically and metaphorically!

I have my "Figure" Bodybuilding show tomorrow and am horrifyingly unprepared having spent the previous week in hospital and realising I had finally lost my dignity when I had to use a pair of knickers as a hair band. I'm a bit jet lagged, bloated from antibiotics and lack of sleep but I also have more peace of mind than I have done for a long time being home. Perfection in the human physique doesn't exist, it is subjective and neither does perfect timing so I say..."bring it on". Tomorrow will be a day of fake tan, Diamante, cadbury's chocolate and rum (the backstage pump!) but somehow....it will be ok because my definition of success for this particular experience is just showing up and enjoying it - the work was done in the journey. Thank-you to all those that helped me on my way.